Bill, The Galactic Hero On The Planet Of Zombie Vampires (1991) - Plot & Excerpts
Bill, the Galactic Hero, is a human space trooper who has three arms, some tusks, and is regrowing his right foot. His new assignment is as Military Policeman to the starship Bounty, which is taking a bunch of prisoners to the front line of the Chinger war. The ship is a bit older and doesn't have a proper drive system, which means the trip will take months and months. Luckily, everyone will have served their term and be put to fighting when the trip is over. Unluckily, the only other non-prisoners on the ship are Captain Blight, First Mate Christianson, and science officer (and also android) Caine, so the prisoners make up the rest of the crew. More unluckily, Captain Blight has an obsession with okra and has devoted most of the ship's resources to growing it on board. So much is grown that it is the sole food for the crew. If that wasn't enough to cause a mutiny on the Bounty (and don't think that joke doesn't come up again and again), the ship crashes on a planet with an abandoned communication facility. Well, not quite abandoned. The dried-out husks of the former facility staff are there along with a lot of literally blood-thirsty aliens who start out as cute little ducklings. Soon enough they'll be giant acid-spewing monsters hungry for the Bounty's crew.The novel is a light-weight comedy version of the Alien movies. The crew has to explore the facility and get some supplies to repair the ship, all the while avoiding the monsters. The jokes are a mish-mash of pop culture puns (the Caine Mutiny gets mentioned and the three clones are called Larry, Moe, and Curly) and general silliness. I didn't find it very funny but it made me smile a few times. There is none of the horror from the Alien movies. While the characters are scared, the situations are never that suspenseful and nothing is described in any sort of detail.I have to say the "zombie vampires" were a bit of a let-down for me. It reminds me of the movie Mystery Men, where the villain is named Casanova Frankenstein. That's a great name for a villain but they did nothing with it, i.e. there was nothing particularly Casanova or Frankenstein about the character. The aliens do suck blood and eventually turn people into mummies, but mummies aren't zombies or vampires.They should have called this book "Bill, the Galactic Hero on the Planet of Alien Franchise Ripoffs."I will not be seeking out any more of this series.
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