I wasn’t in any rush to get back to New York. I wasn’t even really sure there was anything to go back to. Explaining to David that I didn’t want him to come to my father’s funeral hadn’t left our relationship in a very stable place. He told me that if I went without him, if I chose to go through such an emotional and tumultuous time without him, then I didn’t need him the way he needed me. I couldn’t disagree with him. I didn’t need him. I used him for five years – used him to feel a little normal, a little less crazy, and a little less lonely. But I didn’t need him, didn’t love him. So I was back in Willow Falls alone, only this time I was a little more alone than I had been in a while and it sucked. I was on my way to pick up Reeve who insisted that she come with me to the reading of my father’s will. There was no way to avoid driving past the elementary school we all attended. I told myself I wasn’t going to look, wasn’t going to force myself to think about the past, but my eyes couldn’t be controlled and wandered over the school grounds as I drove by. I saw the swing set I’d spent countless evenings on with him, spotted the alleyway we would walk through together. Seeing all of these places, imagining ourselves young and carefree, reminiscing about our childhood, wasn’t what I needed this morning.
