And I Don't Want To Live This Life: A Mother's Story Of Her Daughter's Murder (1996) - Plot & Excerpts
I can tell you that while I was reading, I felt like I was on a roller coaster of emotions. I'll go through the ups and downs, but just for a little insight, this novel is written by Deborah Spungen, mother of Nancy (famously known for being "Sex Pistols," Sid Vicious's girlfriend in the late 1970s). I was never really into the Sex Pistol's music, but I adore the punk movement and some of the later punk bands. I'm a 90s kid, so this whole era was way before my time and lost to me. I listened to mainstream punk (like The Offspring, Greenday, and Blink-182), obviously in my society it was more accepted than appalled.Honestly, I wasn't interested in this story, until I saw the similarities in one of my favorite anime shows, Nana with the main character's lover based on the look of Sid Vicious. I delved more deeply in and read about their tragic love story and I couldn't help but find myself wanting to know more. This novel had great reviews and I've always loved murder and mystery, so I picked it up hoping to find out more. And boy did I.Here was my roller coaster: (Up, meaning I liked it. Down, meaning I thought it was shit)UP: My connection with Deborah's pregnancy was so strong. We both got pregnant at a young age (her 20, me at 19) and we both had a terrifying labor. I had the same feelings as she did about her newborn. The only difference was that her child went through a more traumatic experience than my son did. An experience that she would blame and say that destroyed Nancy due to lack of medical treatment (and advancement) at the time.DOWN: She blamed her extra-marital affair on Nancy. She claimed that due to Nancy's monstrous behavior, it drove her and her husband apart and they both began affairs with other people. Which I call bullshit.UP: Her seeking help for Nancy's troublesome fits (spouts of aggression and continual use of profanity--there are a ton of curse words every time Nancy opens her mouth). These doctors don't bother to help diagnose Nancy and tell Deborah that it's just a phase. (I find trying to stab your babysitter with scissors, threatening to kill your family members, and other forms of aggression...those things aren't just a phase). Another "Up" was finding out that Nancy is highly intelligent and was reading novels well above her age level. She was reading college level material at the age of 11 (most of the books she enjoyed were my favorite classics).DOWN: Letting Nancy get away with everything under the fucking sun and then blaming her for controlling the household.UP: Nancy moving out at 17 to NY and making a life for herself (even as a Go-go dancer) and trying to come off drugs (particularly heroin). Deborah seeking her next life goal of finding a job she can appreciate.DOWN: Deborah talking shit about the punk scene. How much she realized Nancy was no longer her daughter because of the way she dressed and the crowed she hung with. She made no effort to reconnect or involve herself in Nancy's life, which pissed me off the most. She blamed punk for ruining Nancy, but the truth is Nancy was a mentally disturbed child since the day she was born (later, we find out that she's a schizophrenic!). I'm sorry, but as a mother, that pissed me off to no end. I hate baseball, but if my son ended up playing and loved it, I would make an effort to learn more about it and be more accepting. Instead, she fake smiles, then talks shit with the family behind her daughter's back. She doesn't even give Sid a chance, writing them both off as practically strangers. She's embarrassed to be seen in public with them! The punk in me wanted to shout, WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK. She's you're daughter, she's happy to be with you, and this is the one time in the novel where she's not completely psycho, make a FUCKING effort.UP: But she does aid them to their new place in NY and does mention often that she loves Nancy, even for all the heartache Nancy had caused her and her family. Because EVERYTHING under the sun is Nancy's fault. My thoughts were: half of me believed she was a self-mutilating druggie bitch and the other half screamed that she had a mental illness that ate away at her soul. Her very existence. Her happiness.DOWN: She complains more about Nancy. Then, thinks suicide is the answer (as a mother, I probably would too). But, she believes all of these stories in the tabloids about Sid murdering Nancy, when she herself knew that the papers were misquoting and lying about everything. Until...UP: She received Sid's letters. I cried while reading both of them. I felt his pain. I felt his love. I felt everything. Those two letters gave me more emotions than this entire novel. My favorite quotes from the letters are: "Because when you love someone as much as we love each other, they become fundamental to your existence" & "If you would happily die for someone, then how can you live without them"Their relationship is so unique and wonderful and violent and tragic, Deborah describes it as: "They were two lost souls who had found each other. Their relationship came out of their inability to find what they wanted in the outside world. They were on the same wavelength. They fit each other's needs." We'll never know for sure if Sid killed Nancy, but one thing I do know is that he loved her. She was his world. And I would like to believe that is was all just a big misunderstanding, accident, or (now reason to believe) that someone else did it.The novel's title is based on a poem Sid wrote after Nancy's death: "NancyYou were my little baby girlAnd I shared all your fears.Such joy to hold you in my armsAnd kiss away your tears.But now you're gone there's only painAnd nothing I can do.And I don't want to live this lifeIf I can't live for you.To my beautiful baby girl.Our love will never die."Deborah felt a strong connection to this poem as she felt she it embodied her emotions at the time of her daughter's death. (Just thought I'd add this in there, because I thought it was just...remarkable)Since there are more ups than downs, I give it a 4. Since there are actual downs, I don't give it a 5.
Nancy was most famous for her relationship with Sid Vicious (the Sex Pistols' bass player), who stabbed her to death in the Chelsea Hotel in 1978 (he died of an overdose before the case came to trial.) "And I Don't Want To Live This Life" is the story of Nancy's life as written by her mother and it is truly a harrowing one. Deprived of oxygen after a difficult birth, her life continued with non-stop screaming (as an infant) and uncontrollable episodes of rage and violence that placed an unimaginable toll on her family. It's a story of the agony of mental illness and now I can't help wondering if modern-day psychiatric medicine and knowledge would have made a difference (before the heroine addiction). By the time the end came I felt some relief for her - at least her suffering was over. Very sad and disturbing. I read this a long time ago at an impressionable age and it has haunted me since. I was living in Japan at the time and was finding English-language books hard to come by. I stumbled upon this quite randomly in a bargain bin in a Tokyo store piled high with paperbacks - exclusively with this title. I don't think it was even a book store. Surreal in a way.
What do You think about And I Don't Want To Live This Life: A Mother's Story Of Her Daughter's Murder (1996)?
Easily one of the most hauntingly beautiful books I've ever read. The Sex Pistols were the first band I was ever really obsessed with and like most of their fans, I hated Nancy. From everything said about her by the remaining band members to people who hung out with The Pistols, I considered her to be the punk Yoko Ono.This book was written by her mother. It begins with Nancy's childhood and weaves a tragic tale of a misunderstood girl. It recounts her illness, her drug abuse, a family confused and frightened by her, and her relationship with Sid. Nancy was a very intelligent girl and despite reports otherwise, she loved Sid. My favorite part of the book was the poem written by Sid after her death:You were my little baby girl,And I shared all your fears.Such joy to hold you in my armsand kiss away your tears.But now you're gone, there's only painand nothing I can do.And I don't want to live this life,If I can't live for you.To my beautiful baby girl.Our love will never die...
—Serena
let me just say first that Nancy's mom should definatly get the award for best mother because after reading this book and all the stuff she had to go through since day one I do not see how she did it without having a freaking heart attack. This book scared the shit out of me being a mother myself, it's hard to read what another mother had to go through. I do however think this is the best book I have read in years it kept me interested and I could not put it down. I laugh because I know so many kids around here that completly worship Sid and Nancy after reading this book they should worship Deborah Spungen.
—Lisa
This nonfiction story about Nancy Spungen (the infamous girlfriend of punk rockstar Sid Vicious), told from her mother's perspective, is a fascinating read. It humanizes the fantasy creatures that were Sid and Nancy as they made headlines, and gives insight into what they were really like. It also gives a background on life during the seventies - the lack of medical knowledge that couldn't help Nancy's severe psychotic issues, the emerging punk rock scene in America and England, and the overall sex, drugs, and rock and roll scene that Nancy Spungen plunged headfirst into. However, this story is, ultimately, about a mother's struggle with her daughter's maddening behavior, life, and death.
—Aria Francesca
