I Am Not Myself These Days (2006) - Plot & Excerpts
When I first bought this book I was pretty sure it was a fictional story about a girl and her boyfriend who were both drug addicts but still were able to find humor in their daily lives. I was not completely right, but I wasn't too far off either: turns out, this is a memoir about a young alcoholic drag queen and his/her hot escort boyfriend who is unfortunately addicted to crack - so if this sounds intriguing so far (remember kids, this book will contain loads of drugs and sex and all things bad and naughty), then I suggest you pick up this book because not only is this crazy tale true, but it is very entertaining and hilarious as well. If you are already feeling a bit queasy reading this, then I suggest forgetting you ever started reading this review, and get yourself a cup of hot chamomile tea and a Nicholas Sparks book and stay far, far away from this book!Now - on to the review! (Warning: prepare yourself for many quotes; they were just so funny and good, it would've been a crime not to include them).Josh - our narrator - is in his mid-twenties and has recently moved to New York. During the day he works in an ad agency while during the night he drinks copious amounts of vodka and performs in different clubs as "Aqua" - a seven feet tall buxom blonde who has clear plastic boobs containing goldfish! I have a helmet of blonde hair and armor of corset to protect me from all manner of dull people - dull people who do things like watch how much they drink.During one of his performances, Josh meets Jack, who is not only handsome, polite, and kind - but also a bit of a mystery.The mystery is solved one night when Jack brings Josh over to his ridiculously expensive and beautiful penthouse apartment where Jack curiously discovers a fat middle aged man on the floor of the foyer - tied up! This - it turns out - is just one of Jack's clients for Jack is a highly paid gay escort whose specialty is BDSM and humiliation. Josh is shocked and yet intrigued:I'm intrigued that there's a level of perversity even beyond my realm of expertise. Where have I been? I feel so uncool. Show me more of this party I've been missing.Josh is soon enveloped in the never-ending party of drugs, alcohol, and all things sexual. At first, this is fun, and Josh doesn't have any inhibitions:It makes me wonder, what's the point of thinking twice anyway? The only possible outcome of double thinking is that you invariably end up negating whatever it was motivating you in the first place. Forcing yourself to think twice about something is just admitting that somehow you are instinctively stupid, and that repetition is the only thing that will save you from yourself.Things get out of control, however, when Jack becomes more and more addicted to crack cocaine. At first he only smokes it with his clients but then his addiction progresses and he is soon taking off for days and going on weeklong crack binges. Josh is distraught but he is also in a vicious cycle of his own - drinking vodka from sunup to sundown. This is a really good book if you really want to know about what goes on in the mind of a person that is an addict. At one point, Josh even considers trying crack himself:Note to self: expand your drug repertoire. Maybe drinking's just gotten to be too much of a habit. Maybe I should try other things more often. This is my new resolution. Quit drinking. Get healthy. Just use drugs. Medicinally, strategically. Be less messy.So what is Josh to do: stay with Jack or leave him? Help Jack get sober or work on himself by trying to quit drinking first? Is there any hope for these two, or not? Now read this book and find out for yourself. This memoir is just - great. I loved it.
Posted at Shelf Inflicted I’m not much of a TV person and have never seen The Fabulous Beekman Boys or heard of Josh Kilmer-Purcell, retired drag queen. Still, I’m glad I found this little gem about two misfits in love. By day, Josh works for an advertising agency. At night, he lovingly and painstakingly transforms himself into Aqua, a 7-foot blonde beauty who carries goldfish around in her plastic boobs. His boyfriend, Jack, is a very well-paid escort known as “Aidan” to his clients, and lives in a posh apartment building guarded by doormen. The two guys enjoy a routine life of reading the paper together and ordering lunch from the deli, while listening to Jack’s beeper go off and occasionally running into his unusual clients. “The truth is, there’s no movie of the week about a drunk drag queen and a crackhead hooker in love. There never has been. It’s not the kind of thing people would care about. People would flip right by the channel, either unbelieving or uncaring. Who’s the good guy? Who’s the bad guy? Aren’t they both bad? If they didn’t get what they deserved by the first commercial, it’d be on to the breast cancer movie.”You’re so wrong, Josh. Right from the first page, I cared. I loved reading about your transformation to Aqua. You reminded me of my little brother, who got a kick out of trying on my mom’s dresses and heels. Your work hours and lack of sleep exhausted me, reminding me of my own hectic days working full-time, part-time, taking classes, and still finding time to party. You also reminded me of a close friend who appeared to be the happiest person in the world to everyone else, but drowned his pain in vodka. I loved your crazy and dysfunctional relationship with Jack in a city that has no mercy, yet is a haven for those who are different, and I loved your friendship with Laura and your relationship with your supportive mom who didn’t know the difference between transsexuals and drag queens. “You know that if you want to have an operation that’s something you can talk about with your dad and me.”Your story was beautiful, honest, and hilarious. If it wasn’t so darn funny, I would have cried.
What do You think about I Am Not Myself These Days (2006)?
This memoir is delightful. Of course it has serious themes, but the context is so unique and refreshing that the drama of it is a perfect contrast. In this book, Kilmer-Purcell describes his transition in life from a flamboyant drag-queen to a more normal, functional adult. It is not for a reader that is homophobic, but most people should find the situations he finds himself in to be unusual (perhaps) but digestable.What I particularly appreciated about this memoir is that, while the author is gay, the themes of the book are universally human. We all have to make hard choices about our lives, discover what love means, and how to evaluate ourselves. Kilmer-Purcell tackles these daunting tasks with a sense of humor that left me laughing outloud. (One particular episode includes a time where his boyfriend was threatening to stab him in the chest, and all he could seriously contemplate was that the knife was brand new and whether it would make the sound of it's name as it sliced through the air: Wusthof!)
—Deb
The story is summed up pretty well by the author near the end: “The truth is, there’s no movie of the week about a drunk drag queen and a crackhead hooker in love. There never has been. It’s not the kind of thing people would care about. People would flip right by the channel, either unbelieving or uncaring. Who’s the good guy? Who’s the bad guy? Aren’t they both bad? If they didn’t get what they deserved by the first commercial, it’d be on to the breast cancer movie.” But that's not really true. I love that this story is about two people on the margins of society, two quote unquote freaks, two addicts, two pathetic fuckups who see themselves in each other and fall in love almost instantly. But the greatest thing about this book is that despite the neverending darkness of the plot and all the horrible physical and emotional atrocities described within –- it’s fucking hilarious. You’re laughing and wincing and tearing up in a perpetual cycle. You love the author and yet you’re also disgusted by him. You’re pulling for his relationship with Jack to work even though they’re obviously not good for each other. But the story wouldn’t go down so easily without the spoonfuls of humor. When Josh wakes up from a vodka-induced blackout to find himself on the subway, he thinks, “Some people might get obsessed with figuring out how they wound up on the F train in drag, with no bag and only one shoe. But that’s simply not my style. What’s done is done. I’m sure I had my reasons.”
—Nicky
I don't know if it's appropriate to describe an alcoholic drag queen's memoir of his relationship with a crack cocaine-addicted S&M male escort as "sweet," but that is one of the words I would certainly use to describe this fascinating, wry, and wonderfully told autobiography. Josh is a master storyteller whose quips and acumen are as sharp as his stilettos. I found myself laughing and, at turns, crying at the details of his life and his relationship, a passionate love affair that was somehow as tender as it was damaged, as loving as it was abusive, as depraved as it was ... well, normal. The brilliance and strength of this book is that it provides an unapologetic look at the grotesquerie of human relationships. The grotesquerie is NOT because it's about a a drag queen and a male escort, but because it's about two people trying to find love, which is one of the hardest, most difficult, most confusing things two people can try to do.
—Jeff
