LIFE EXPECTANCY Review I'm about to spoil the hell out of this piece of garbage in the hopes that you run screaming from its pages as if the longevity of your genitals depended on it. The Good: This book is readable. Meaning, you can read it. Moving on. The Bad: The synopsis is terrific: engaging, intriguing, enticing, everything a book description should be. So why isn't this up there with The Good? Because the synopsis fucking lies like a rug under a steam roller. You see, Jimmy Tock's grandpappy predicted some shit on his deathbed. Supposedly, his grandson is to have five terribly, horrible, no good, very bad days. The thing is, Koontz spends the entire novel finding ways around these five days, in turn rendering the grandfather's predictions utterly useless. Bad shit happens, mind you, just not on those days. The worst stuff happens on the day before. You might think that would make the book unpredictable, but after the first date, the book is as see through as the glass in a Windex factory. What would have made this book epic is if Koontz had managed to actually achieve what the packaging promises, therein surprising us with unforeseeable twists which occur on the days Deathbed Granddaddy predicted. But no. Not Koontz. He aims for the mundane and nails that motherfucker between the eyes. The Ugly: LIFE EXPECTANCY is filled with your average meandering Koontz: verbose descriptions of everyday bullshit sprinkled with brief glimpses of interesting detritus buried under an insane knowledge of pastry and off-the-wall diseases he spends nine pages explaining. The writing is so light and dense at the same time it might as well be a Cronut. The words breeze by because Koontz has been doing this shit for nigh on four decades, but no matter how hard he tries, I will never, ever, evereverevereverever, enjoy a detailed examination of goddamn baked goods. The Unforgivable: Let me preface this bit by saying I've never given a readable book less than two stars. Why? Because the author put enough words together properly so that I might be able to understand what they are saying. I reserve one-star ratings for unedited garbage written by illiterate monkeys with a penchant for banging on typewriters. Well, Dean, you fucking did it, mister. You managed to make me hate a well-written book so much that I cannot in good faith give you anything over a single, solitary, emotionally-crippled star. This book lacks everything even remotely resembling character development. I didn't give a shit about Jimmy, his wife What's-Her-Fuck, the three mostly-forgotten-about children (one of which comes down with cancer in the later part of the book, to which I responded, "Who are you, and who gives a fuck?"), the stupid clown family, the insane aerialists, or even the death of some innocent old lady, because they're all stick figures caricatures of another one of Koontz protagonists from a completely different book. Yes, everyone in this novel is witty and sarcastic. Basically, the cast is overrun with unlikable and forgettable Odd Thomases. But wait, there's more! The plot, for lack of a better word, becomes so convoluted in the last one hundred pages that I think my brain seeped from my ear to vacation in Aruba when Jimmy Tock (the main character) is revealed as the villain's fraternal twin brother. But wait, there's even more! When that ending didn't pack enough of a punch for Koontz's liking, we find out that Jimmy and the villain are really the product of an incestuous relationship between their biological grandfather/father and his daughter/their mother. And if you place an order in the next thirty seconds, we'll throw in lots more! Four chapters from the end, Jimmy's first-person POV switches to the wife's first-person POV so that Koontz can attempt to trick us into believing that Jimmy dies. But Jimmy doesn't die. What a hoot, huh? A real rib-tickler of a twist! To quote the book: "Okay, we yanked your chain again, like we did back in chapter twenty-four. How much fun would it have been, there in the big top, if you'd been absolutely certain that I had survived?" Are you joshing me? Pulling E.'s leg, perhaps? Legitimately, you're going to break the fourth wall to say that shit? I should punch you in your cocksucker with a hot-water bottle full of nitroglycerin. It wasn't funny. It sure as shit wasn't cute. It was pretentious. Pure, lazy-ass, unoriginal, amateur bullshit. You, your editor, your publisher, and anyone who recommends this book to a human being who isn't their most reviled enemy should have to read this book over and over and over again, forever and ever, amen.
I love this book! It's very likely that eventually I'd have to take it out from my "Favorites" shelf, but not because I don't like it, just since I already have "Phantoms" in that shelf and I want to keep it to maximum 10 books there, it would have to be 2 books from Dean Koontz and if I have to choose, I'd choose "Phantoms". However I do love this book, "Life Expectancy". It's one of the best books that I ever read. It has all, horror, humor, romance, etc... Even it's not your typical horror book, since not matter you have an insane killer here, you don't feel it as in other horror books. If you like the type of books of Stephen King where he develops seudo-paranormal stories with content about life and human relationships, I think you can have a pretty good idea of what you will find here. Honestly, if not was that "Phantoms" is still my favorite Dean Koontz book, this one easily can be the one to stay forever in my favorite shelf. Two of the highest points of the books are: First, the humor, you will laugh a lot with this book, because even some situations of life or death are portraited in such surrealistic way that you have to laugh (in a good way) about how the events are ocurring. Second, the female supportive character that the lead character met. She is fantastic! It's one of the best female characters that I ever read in book. I just love her. She is the light who shines a lot since she becomes part of the story.
What do You think about Life Expectancy (2005)?
My advice? Read it, read it, read it. If you have ever liked or thought you might like Dean Koontz, if you have a taste for strange characters, fun twists, witty dialogue, and suspense sprinkled with fantasy (or have no idea how that combination can happen but are intrigued by the concept), pick up a copy. It's an odd combination of sadness and horror and love and inspiration and ridiculousness and clowns and trapeze artists and baked goods and extra-sensory perception and simply decent writing of all of the above. Fun ride. Unexpected and unique.
—Krista
Overview: If you could know when the five most terrible days in your life would be, what would you do to prepare? Well, Jimmy Tock has to decide that one. His Grandpa Josef gives ten predictions right before he dies. Since the first five have come to pass, is it any stretch to believe that the second five should as well? Well, Jimmy, the first day is here….Likes: Rowena, the Tock family, and Charlene were the greatest people to be around. They appreciate laughter, family, and good food, thought not necessarily in that order.Dislikes: While Konrad did a good thing by Natalie, his focus for the Beezo name was wrong. A child should be able to fall back on what his or her parents do, but that doesn’t mean that anyone has to be his or her parents.Virgilio is evil. That’s it. End of discussion.Conclusion: This was a terrific tale. Everyone needs a Rowena in their lives, it’ll put things into perspective.
—Charissa Wilkinson
Jason gave me this book for Christmas - he had listened to it as book on tape and really liked it, and thought I might like it too. I didn't - I LOVED it!! Laugh out loud funny at times, and yet also reflects on what makes a good life, relationship, and family, all in a suspenseful story!I loved the characters - the main one, Jimmy Tock, but also all the supporting cast of characters. Each one was fleshed out and real. There was a unique banter amongst his family that I both recognized my own family in, and also wanted to be even more like. The story itself was engaging - I'm not sure how I'd really classify it, it had elements of drama, mystery, suspense, humor, and even romance (not gross fake romance, but real, sarcastic, honest, loving, inspiring romance). The book subtly reflects on themes such as living your life to the fullest despite not knowing what the future holds, what makes "family", good vs. evil, the meaning of life.... all wrapped up in a story with bakers, evil clowns, crazy people, car chases and twists and turns that caught me off guard throughout.This was a fast read, both because it's so well written, and also because I was so dying to know how it happened that I picked it and didn't put it down until I got through it!.Inspiring, entertaining, well written - I highly recommend to anyone! :)
—Jessica
