03/06/2014 RE-READI am going to describe each of these stories for you in a Victorian Chapter Title. Because it's fun. :)1.) Commercial Break. In Which Young Augusten Is Selected to Be In a Tang Commercial, But Discovers He is Horrible At Acting.2.) Vanderbilt Genes. In Which Young Augusten Discovers What He's Suspected All Along – His Parents Aren't Really His Parents but Instead He Is A Lost Vanderbilt Child, Heir to Millions.3.) Transfixed by Transsexuals. In Which Augusten Explains His Obsession with Transsexuals, Which Began in the Fourth Grade.4.) Model Behavior. In Which Augusten Tells Us About Modeling School.5.) I Dated An Undertaker. (Self-explanatory) 6.) And Now a Word From Our Sponsor. In Which Augusten Talks About His Hair, Or Lack Thereof.7.) The Rat/Thing. In Which Augusten Kills a Mouse. Horrifying. I can't read this. Animal cruelty. 8.) Debby's Requirements. In Which Augusten Hires a Pscyho Maid. Psycho maid vs. psycho Augusten. Hilariously funny story. The absolute best story of the whole collection.9.) Roof Work. In Which Augusten Pierces a Cyst in his Mouth, and Ends Up Having Dental Surgery. 10.) Beating Raoul. In Which Augusten Dates a Perfect Man Who Turns Out to Be Not So Perfect.11.) Holy Blow Job. In Which Augusten Recalls the Three Separate Occasions in Which a Priest has Sucked him Off. Trigger warning: one is when he was 14.12.) Mark the Shrink. Augusten dates a shrink and becomes neurotic. At the end of the story the shrink kills himself.13.) Telemarketing Revenge. In Which Augusten F*cks Around with Telemarketers. 14.) My Last First Date. In Which Augusten Goes on a Great Date.15.) The Schnauzer. In Which Augusten is in Love with the Guy in the Previous Story.16.) Key Worst. In Which Augusten Travels to Key West, and Hates It.17.) Ass Burger. In Which Augusten Discusses his Genius Brother Who Has Asperger's Syndrome. 18.) Life Cycle of the North American Opossum. In Which Augusten Struggles with a Possum that Likes to Eat His Dog's Excrement.19.) Cunnilingusville. In Which Augusten Makes Observations about the Amish.20.) I Kid You Not. In Which Augusten Explains Why He Will Never Have Children.21.) I'm Gonna Live Forever. In Which Augusten Explains What It's Like to Be A Famous Author.22.) Total Turnaround. In Which Augusten Describes his Love for His Boyfriend.23.) Roid Rage. In Which Augusten Explains Why He Takes Steroids and How They Affect Him.24.) Magical Thinking. In Which Augusten Uses the Powers of His Mind to Kill A Woman, Get a Boyfriend, and Become a Nationally Acclaimed Author.25.) Puff Derby. In Which Augusten Goes to the Kentucky Derby and Meets Puff Daddy.26.) Meanwhile, Back At the Ranch. In Which Augusten and his Boyfriend Shop for a Summer Home.27.) Up the Escalator. In Which Augusten Goes to Kmart to Buy Dennis an Iron, and Realizes He Is Becoming Domesticated.This book is funny. Actually, it is very funny. I laughed out loud a lot. However, and this is worth noting, this book is very mean. Very mean. In this book, Burroughs makes fun of people with Down's Syndrome. He talks about priests giving him blowjobs (one when he was 14). He calls women "bitch" and "cunt." He calls other gay men "fag." He makes fun of people for being retarded, fat, short, ugly, and for having a tiny penis. It's also fair warning for parents who read this book that Burroughs actively dislikes children. He even has a whole chapter devoted to this topic. On one occasion he accidentally steps on a baby's hand (age 1 1/2, about) and instead of apologizing to the parent, walks away quickly and pretends he did nothing. The child then gets scolded for crying. Burroughs thinks this is hilarious. On another occasion, he threatens a kid who has been kicking him and stepping on his toes. He calls her a cocksucker and threatens to push her mother into the ocean, hurt her daddy, and become her new daddy.Now, I know I'm making out Burroughs to be some kind of monster. And he is, definitely, a jerk. But his ability to be a jerk and say whatever comes into his head and do things that normal people only fantasize about saying but would never really say is why he's so funny and why people read his books.It's fair to note that because of his horrendous childhood (see my review of RUNNING WITH SCISSORS for more details) Burroughs is deadened to any sense of kindness, generosity, compassion, or pity. He only looks out for himself, number one. He is fiercely loyal and protective of his boyfriend, but again, I believe that is because his boyfriend makes him happy, and is therefore valuable to Burroughs.Burroughs is vain, selfish, self-centered, materialistic and shallow. And he freely admits these things and makes fun of himself for them. However, after reading this book, even if you laugh a lot, you would never, ever want to be his friend because you know how he thinks and talks about people.If you are going to read an Augusten Burroughs book, I would suggest DRY. In DRY, Burroughs portrays himself as more human, with feelings and struggles. He really allows you into his mind and even though he's still got his edge, he's a bit vulnerable and more of a human being. In this book he is more or less a caricature of himself.SAMPLE: I have always loved eavesdropping. But even more, I love knowing that somebody is eavesdropping on my own conversation. My former art director, Greer, and I had a lot of fun playing games with people. We'd be traveling on business, off to L.A. to shoot a commercial, and we'd be sitting near the gate waiting for our flight and chatting. Then we would become aware that somebody else was listening, so I would say, "Honey, tell me you arranged for your parents to stay with the baby." And she would feign horror. "Oh my fucking God, I totally forgot. The baby is alone. Shit. Do you think she can last on her own for two days?" And I would reply, "Well, I guess. Babies are supposed to be pretty durable."
Heh. I bet this guy gets compared to David Sedaris- they have similar writing styles (as in, short memoir-essays), and they are both seen as clever and funny. And they are.. but Sedaris is moreso. Sedaris comes off as charming and a bit self-depriciating; Burroughs (while occasionally realizing his douchy ways) constantly references his horrible childhood as an excuse for some of his less-than-nice behavoir. Which is fair enough in a lot of ways.. but at the same time.. makes him come across as a bit of a bald-headed-douche. But I don't care. Reading his stuff is kind of like watching TV, in that you don't really need to be THAT mentally engaged and it isn't going to change your life; but it will momentarily amuse you. And it does. Also.. to continue with the TV analogy.. he's a bit of a bad person in the way that everyone on Seinfield was a bad person. Which is amusing to read about, at least, but I don't really want to be bffs with this guy in person (Sedaris, I kind of do.. so that's another difference..) Anyway. This is perfect gym-reading.. something to read whilst on the elliptical machine or treadmill.. it's distracting and amusing enough to hold my attention but not so much so that I can't focus on something else at the same time. So..good times. I will definitely be reading more of his writing. Also Chip Kidd designs this guys covers. Yaychipkidd. Also! You'd think this guy would be a little more...practical. I mean, just in general, being a person of his age, with his background. In one of the stories he like.. visciously kills a "rat/thing" that was in his bathtub... though he admits in the essay that it was more of a "tiny mouse" than a "rat/thing". The death was brutal. Poor mouse-erson. Also.. when there was a possum in his backyard he just thought HOW DO WE KILL IT. I'm like WHATS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU RODENT KILLER?! At least he realized it and made some kind of remark about how Americans think it's an acceptable strategy to kill things that displease them. Anyway..Burroughs.. for next time... catch it in a box and release it outside (the mouse, I mean.. the possum I don't know) instead of subjecting it to a horrible slow death
What do You think about Magical Thinking: True Stories (2005)?
Augusten Burroughs is an immature jerk that I wouldn’t give the time of day. I found nothing nothing charming about Magical Thinking and while I was reading it all I could think was that he represents the unshaven underarm of society – the type of person who finds everything wrong with the world and the slice of pie he has been delivered but fails to notice the good things like the fact that he is eating pie. Why am I so disgusted by him? This is the type of guy that steps on a child’s hand in a store and instead of comforting the child, he slips away unnoticed because the child has a delay in her cry response that gives him the opportune amount of time to flee the scene – and then he writes a story about it that makes him pays his bills. That is just one of the examples of the cynical “voices of the new century,” to quote the cover’s excerpt from USA Today, yeah, the USA Today. The only reason I finished Magical Thinking was that I needed something to occupy my time in the bathroom.
—Anthony
Funny that he refers to Joan Didion in this book, as she had a "Magical Thinking" book too.It was funny. Not nearly as funny as the cover review blurb from USA today makes it out to be; not truly necessary to get the tissue box out. Is sex all that important? Painful? How many times do breast implants have to be mentioned, and why would a gay man care so much about them?It was still a funny read with more than slapstick, an apt commentary on a lot of twisted garbage in society, and succeeds in threading a story through seemingly disparate essays. Some essays do seem to reintroduce material you've seen before. Friend Suzanne is redescribed in such a way that makes me think the editing wasn't fully up to snuff.After a childhood/20's like his, even what's normal and mundane must be viewed from a distance, and maybe that's the humor. You get to see everything like an alien visiting earth, because you are. Separating the book from the man, it is amazing that someone even survived half the things Burroughs talks about. Who would you be if you'd grown up in his (size 13) shoes? Who knew that Catholic priests could be so twisted? (Many of us.) And in spite of the focus on differences, we all share a lot of the human experience: troublesome landlords, psychos on the dating scene, crazy relatives, bad decisions, people that drop you for no reason at all, the amazing indignance of so many at so little, stress over age and differential age, the fact that a lot of people are trying to hide something but it slips out eventually. I'm glad he decided to start writing, but I'll still be drinking Dr Pepper.
—Robert Dunlap
Shameless. Unabashed. He just does not care whether you like him or not.These are what make Augusten Burrough's memoirs very different from what I've read so far. He does not give an eff when he recounts how many Catholic gay priests he had sex with. He tells each sexual encounter like he is telling them to his gay close friend inside an enclosed room. All the details, including the unprintables, are mentioned and their intimate conversations in verbatim.This is my fifth book by Burroughs. I used to hate him: Running With Scissors (2 stars); Wolf at My Table (1 star) and You Better Not Cry (2 stars). I did not like his hysterics and his stories seemed to be insensitive to the people he grew up with. I mean why wash your laundry in public when you can do it in private? It was only a couple of months back when I began to understand his style, since it seems to be consistent throughout all his works. This was when I read Dry (3 stars) and his sensitive gay side comes out when he said inside the gay bar: "this place is full of naked lonely souls."So, in this book, when he said "I am not normal in anyway." I believed him. He is hysterical. He is shameless. He does not fear anyone. He is what he is. So, if you don't like him, don't buy and read his books. Which for me is originality. The guy has the balls to show to the world who he is. He knows that he is read mostly by gay guys and he is not ashamed that he gets fan mails with gay guys sending him pictures of their penis. He was fascinated though, when old women recognized him on the street and told him that they've read his works. He told a couple of stories about those encounters and I just laughed out loud this morning.What am I doing reading all these books by Burroughs? Ah, don't entertain the idea that I am gay. This is my last book by him in my possession and I have no plan to buy and read his other works. I am done with Burroughs. I just wanted to heal my hatred for him and there was no other way I could do that but know more about him. So, I read these two other books, Dry and Magical Thinking. My hatred for him used to be as high as the sky and had I stopped there, my soul would not be at peace. I don't want to have that hate in my heart when I die.Lesson: After a book and you hate a certain author, read more books by him/her. Reading books by a certain author gives you more idea of who he/she is as a person. Chances are, you'll accept and love him/her just the same. Then you don't have that hate in your heart anymore. Only love resides in your heart.I love the fact that I now understand Augusten Burroughs.
—K.D. Absolutely
