Or whether he has, like, full bondage outfits and whips and chains in his closet. Four smiley Aussies can’t all be perfect and peachy—one of them has to have some serious skellies in there. Then I think, okay, gun to my head, with certain death if I don’t pick one, which Wiggle would I bang if forced? The thought was too disgusting. I mean, clearly Jeff the purple guy was out and the yellow-turtleneck guy was gross, too. Anthony? Ew ew ew. I had a husband I was attracted to, but I bet there were some moms who probably had a Wiggle pop up in a sex dream or something after seeing them seven thousand times. Vomit. I’d probably loofah myself ’til I was lobster red. The cheery quartet then broke into a line dance complete with added friends Dorothy the Dinosaur and a pirate, Captain Feathersword, as Violet joined in with the arm movements. I wondered how many moms were at that exact moment also enduring the stupid fucking songs but couldn’t change the channel ’cause their kids were in heaven.
