Mulheres Que Escolhem Demais (2014) - Plot & Excerpts
Despite being happily married for over a decade, I couldn’t resist picking up this book when I saw it at the library. It is a blend of pop phycology and “dear abby” relationship trainwreck letters. I would recommend it for bookclubs, because you are bound to have opinions after reading it! The author has a smooth writing style that doesn’t detract from her research or arguments. It was hard to put down and I read it in a few days without really trying.The author’s arguments seem like basic common sense - if you want to be married, you have to pick someone to marry. If you keep waiting around for someone better, you eventually will have aged yourself out of the marriage market. Though briefly mentioned (sometimes in as little as one page) the following discussions stuck out at me: - Individuals who live together before marriage have higher divorce rates than individuals who don’t cohabitate before marriage. And, individuals who cohabitate with two or more partners before marriage have a significantly higher divorce rate.- Women in arranged marriages have satisfaction rates just a high as “love matches” (western marriages that choose their own partner). The wisdom that flows from arranged marriages is that love is a choice and and action (treating the other lovingly) - not just a feeling.- “Good enough” marriages are good marriages. Women who divorce men because they “fall out of love” are bound to repeat this cycle with other men and end up in successively unhappier relationships. Women who stay in “good enough” marriages generally find their relationships enriched and deepened with time. This is contrasted with marriages were there is a significant amount of argument and turmoil in the home. Divorces in those cases can lead to higher statistical happiness according to the study.I don’t think I liked the author personally though. She struck me as a pushy person, who wants to convert everyone around her to her newest “truth” or lifestyle choice. She has never been married and still isn’t married, which weakens her position as a marriage expert telling others to marry. (She doesn’t follow her own advice!) She also comes from a very liberal feminist background, so I couldn’t relate to some of her mindsets and assumptions. But, that obviously contributes to these simple truths being so revolutionary to her and her usual readership.It also seems a bit creepy that she wrote so intimately about past boyfriends and friends that she’d met. (I felt a bit voyeuristic reading this.) I am a generally private person and I would have been very upset if someone exposed me so publicly. It seemed especially creepy that she waxed poetic about some former boyfriends, who currently had wives. If I were that wife, I would not be happy. It seems like the basic problem with the Sex-in-the-City crowd is that they share intimacies (emotional & physical) without commitments. Intimacy must be protected by commitment to be healthy and successful. I have four pages of reaction notes after reading this. It was written in a very provocative style! But I will end this review with the advice my grandmother repeatedly gave me: You can love a rich man, just as easily as a poor man. And, no one buys the cow, when the milk is free. I picked up this book even thought I've been happily married for the past 12 years because I was single for a long time, and all the controversy surrounding this book made me curious. Lori Gottlieb is not a bad writer. The book is fast reading and has an easygoing, conversational tone. But first of all the title is misleading. Once you start reading, it's clear that she doesn't mean "settle" as in marrying anybody with a pulse. It's about looking for what is really important in a potential spouse...kindness, honesty, someone who shares your values. Love is not about a shopping list, it's about the person. I get that, and I agree with it. HOWEVER, she was so woman blaming it was ridiculous. Her message is that if you're a single woman over thirty five IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT because you squandered all those opportunities when you were in your "prime dating years". After all, any man over thirty five is going to want a twenty two year old, right? And furthermore if you're in your twenties or early thirties you can get an "8" but once you are over 40 you're lucky to get a "5". Huh? I find rating people on a 1 to 10 scale to be pretty offensive. People are people, not commodoties, and not everyone is looking for the same qualities. I was over 40 when I got married and my husband,coincidentally, is two years younger than me and had never been married. It didn't seem to bother him that I was "past my prime" according to Gottlieb's standards. Also, what is so terrible about being single? Is it really the worst thing in the world? Towards the end of the book, Gottlieb says the following:"I'm not trying to bum people out, I'm trying to help. It's kind of like those graphic anti-drunk driving public service announcements that show people crushing into poles and getting killed"Okay, so being single is the equivalent of dying a violent death? That's pretty ridiculous. I think Gottlieb is projecting her own neuroses on all single women.
What do You think about Mulheres Que Escolhem Demais (2014)?
Didn't even finish. It didn't take the whole book to realize why the author is still single.
—APRIL
I kept telling my friends that this woman had written our story...
—Fuckfakebitches
Written by a Stanford alum. Quick read. Gets a bit repetitive.
—641341
Five hours of my life I'm not getting back, Kendra.
—Broadwaybaby101
Depressing. Truthful. But really depressing.
—Lilly
