This is all the more crucial if your skills as a cook leave something to be desired, as the attention of your guests will thus be distracted from the standard of your fare. TUESDAY0920 hrs ‘What did you do, lady, slaughter someone in ’ere?’ The carpet cleaner, who could easily be that horrid ambulance man’s clone but for his blue bib-and-brace overalls, stares with awe at the big stain in front of my couch. To my untrained eye, it appears to have spread. ‘That’s right,’ I reply jovially. ‘That’s all that’s left of the last guy who couldn’t get my carpet clean.’ ‘Funny,’ he says, visibly unamused. I feel a bit embarrassed now so I speak quickly: ‘It’s from my daughter. You see, she gave birth there yesterday. On the carpet. So it’s a birthmark – get it? A birthmark, because she . . . oh, okay.’ I peter out in the face of his stony silence. After I finish rambling, he looks slowly from me to the stain and then back again, obviously having trouble digesting the information.
