I know he would’ve been more than happy to stay here with me, and I would’ve been more than happy to have him here. I can’t allow that, for his own good. I want more time with him, yes, I do. Time I can’t possibly have. What a very painful thought that is. I must stop thinking along these lines, and concentrate. Focus, Jesus, focus. I asked him to please check on my mother, and on Mary. While that wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t the complete truth either. It’s too hard for me to think when he is right there, to think clearly I mean. There’s so much to do and so little time. He said he’d make sure when the judge comes in two days he’ll be ready to post my bail, and I didn’t disillusion him. I let him think it might actually happen. Was that so very horrible of me? No, I haven’t changed my mind, but I don’t want to take away his hope. Perhaps that is wrong of me, to offer hope where none exists. But I want to alleviate his future pain as much as possible, while I can. I don’t know—I just don’t know.
