We just went to your sixth-grade graduation two goddamned years ago! Jesus Christ, why don’t they just throw a fucking party every time you properly wipe your ass?”On Puberty“How’s puberty treating you?…How do I know you’re going through it? Oh I don’t know, maybe it’s the three hundred dick hairs you suddenly leave all over the toilet seat that clued me in.”On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler’s List“What do you want—the candy? They’re throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles?”On Accidentally Eating Dog Treats“Snausages? I’ve been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they’re delicious. I will not be shamed by this.”On Trying Out for the High School Freshman Football Team“I ain’t letting you try out, you’re too skinny…. No, I hate to break it to you, but you can’t do whatever you want, and you most certainly are not a man.”On Bob Saget’s Demeanor While Hosting America’s Funniest Home Videos“Remember that face.
