I despise this book. I despise them all. Reading them made me so mad and depressed, and reading reviews of them just amplifies those feelings. People adore these books. They list them among their favorite books of all time. Kids and adults alike love them and say they're great. So I don't quite know what they're missing. I feel it's my duty and responsibility to reveal these books for what they are. But I'll probably undergo a serious case of angst and start questioning myself and my motives near the end. I'll doubt the perfectly reasonable things I do and call myself a villain, but I won't change my opinions or views. That would be crazy. Oh, this review will contain spoilers, so be warned. I've only got 19,000 characters to go, so I'll make this review short. But where to start, where to start. I'll probably fill the first eight paragraphs with worthless drivel, and then really get down to it in paragraph nine, and leave you angry and confused at the end of paragraph thirteen. I'll dot little tidbits throughout the paragraphs, but nothing will be explained or make sense, even at the creepy and rushed end of the end of the end of the end of the end. (That's an inside joke. Those of you who haven't read the back covers will be hopelessly confused.) The Things That I Liked: - There were a couple moments that made me smile, and a few funny sayings, and that's it. The Things That I Hated: - Most everything. Nothing in this book makes sense. From the very beginning, you are filled with questions. For example; why are the kids alone on a beach?, why was there no reading of the will?, what loving parents would leave instructions for their children to be raised as conveniently as possible?, why did no one see Sunny when she was dangling from the roof in a birdcage? And so on. - The Writing - As I read this book, I always felt like I was being talked down to. The obnoxious word definitions are obviously not there to be helpful. - The Dialogue - It's horrendous. Dick-and-Jane writing at it's worst. Here's a sample."I tried to help rescue Sunny," violet said, "Using an invention of mine to climb the tower.""It's so high up," Said Klaus, "You must have been terrified.""It was scary." Said Violet. "But not as scary as marrying Count Olaf."I believe I'll let that speak for itself. - The Characterization - There is barely any. The characters basically act as vessels for their various skills. Klaus reads, Violet invents, and Sunny bites. They use their skills to get out of jams. They never once have to do anything they're bad at; they never learn to do new things. Except for Sunny, who becomes a magnificent chef in book 10.The Villains are flat too. Except Count Olaf. HE has an amazing half-redemption at the end when he dies. (I love sarcasm).I will use Esme Squalor as an example. When we first meet her, the impression we get is not a good one. And I don't mean that she's just a jerk, there's just no redeeming aspect about her! She is utterly self-obsessed, negligent to the extreme, and so utterly driven by what's "in" (Oh, how I hate that word), that she will follow blindly in the footsteps of the ignorant masses. She's also mayor of Wherever this stupid story takes place. The point is, she doesn't change once she unveils herself as a villain (Oohhh, big surprise!). This sarcasm dramatic reveal sarcasm was so underwhelming to me because there was no difference in her character. She was an utter jerk when I met her, and she was an utter jerk when I left her. - The Setting of the Story - Where does this take place exactly? This was a gargantuan problem that took me out of the book, and made me scratch my head and go "What?" I have no problem with an author making up a place, city, or even continent. I just want things to make sense. The names, oh, GOOD LORD, the names. Lousy Lane, Lake Lachrymose, and on and on and on. The only real name aver mentioned is Peru. and possibly New York. It just makes it feel like the author was trying to hard to be clever, or funny, or gothic and weird. It just doesn't work. - The Illogic - I just made that word up. I think it works. This is possibly an even more gargantuan problem than the last. I mean, people fly on eagles! Lions act as detectives! There seems to be no internal logic to the story, except for perhaps "everything goes". - The Un-Explanations - In other books, we get explanations. In these books, we get the opposite. Objects, names, and places will be introduced, only to be forgotten about a second later. In the first book, Klaus has a tiny golden telescope. I don't know what becomes of it. How did the Baudelaire parents get their enormous fortune? What does Olaf want the fortune for? How did Olaf get the title of Count? Who were the two mysterious strangers we see in book ten? Did Olaf start the fire, or did the parents start it themselves, as he hints? Does anything make sense? Will I ever find answers to my life? And these are only a tiny portion of what you will actually wonder throughout the books. - The Weak Characters - All the characters besides the villains are weak. Mr. Poe is weak, Mr. Squalor is weak, Even the Baudelaires are weak. Now they may complain about what's going on, but they never do anything about it. They never take charge of the situation and take the fight to the villain. No, instead, they all undergo a serious case of moral angst for something as innocent as a hostage exchange. They plan to capture Esme, they make the trap, lie in wait, and the say, "You know, this is wrong. We shouldn't do it." They weren't planning on killing her! They were going to exchange her for Sunny! - The Non-Weak Characters - Everyone who isn't weak, and isn't a villain is a complete %$&*#@!%. It felt good to get that out of my system. There are barely any sympathetic characters, and those who are don't do anything to really help the Baudelaires. Now I know that this is supposed to be a series of "unfortunate" events, (the operative word being "unfortunate") but you can't just pile more and more crap on top of the Baudelaires' shoulders and expect them to deal with it! Perhaps the only truly nice characters we ever meet are the Quagmires. But I have a feeling that Danny Boy ruined THAT for us as well, because after book ten, nothing about them is mentioned. Feel free to fill me in on all the spoiler-ey details concerning book eleven in the comments. Do the Quagmires turn evil? Do they die? Do they just disappear? Didn't they sail away in the floating house at the end of book seven? - V.F.D - This was perhaps the best and worst thing about the books, and about the only thing Danny Boy did well. Well, not horribly. There was a fair bit of intrigue concerning V.F.D., and I really wanted to know more about it. But this, of course is ruined as well. The confusing things with the initials V.F.D didn't heighten my curiosity, they made me angry, as I kept being disappointed. The constant introduction of new mysterious things just kills off any suspense. And when you finally find out what V.F.D. REALLY means... My jaw just dropped and I stood for a minute in stunned silence. It was THAT bad. The volunteer fire department! And then Danny Boy attempts to justify this cop-out by throwing in some incredibly stupid &@%*@#&% about "putting out fires, literally and figuratively". Not. Okay. - The Sugar Bowl - I don't know what this is. Do YOU know? If you know, you're either God, a psychic, or Danny Boy himself. It has something to do with a tea set, the Schism, and V.F.D., and Count Olaf wants it. For some reason. It probably does something. And don't give me the "unanswered questions are a part of life" line. That's no excuse for sloppy writing. - The Island - This place could have been cool. If this series had any kind of magic in it at all, this place would have been cool. It's the place where all lost thing eventually turn up. It's also inhabited by sheep, literally and figuratively, and ruled by a somewhat kind, vague, not-evil, distant, not-great, semi-dictator who uses his power of suggestion to make people do what he wants. This was probably my least favorite part of book 13. It makes even less sense than everything else, and it gives Daniel the opportunity to make a two-page list of random crap. Instead of saying something along the lines of: "The place was full of stuff", he composes a long, ridiculous list of random, unrelated things, two for each letter of the alphabet, just to... prove a point? - The Myceloid Menace - I know that's not it's real name. I just don't care enough to look it up. It's a fungus that chokes people to death with its spores that anchor themselves to one's throat, clogging their airways until the suffocate to death. Cool, right? Oh, and its only weakness is horseradish. I hate this fungus, because it paves the way for the most needless death in the history of EVER. That of Kit Snickett. Not as though I really care for her. I find it hard to do that for any of the characters in this book. - Kit's Death and Birth of her Baby - This was so pointless. But let me set the stage for you. Kit snickett is infected by shrooms, and she's also giving birth at the exact same time. Now, I don't know what makes less sense, the fact that she can give birth and talk while poisonous spores are clogging her airways, or the fact that she refuses the cure because she doesn't want to harm her baby. WHAT? THIS MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL! The baby's on the way out, woman! So she practically sentences herself and possibly her unborn baby to death, for no good reason. And who says pregnant women can't eat horseradish? Does anyone say that? She leaves the unexperienced teenagers to take care of her baby, and the book ends with them getting on a boat and sailing away from the island. Don't worry though, Violet probably invents something to harness shark milk to feed the baby. And Klaus finds a book about babies in the boat. And sunny mashes up apples and other hard fruits into a paste so that Baby can eat them. Siggghhhhhhh... I've finished. I'm done! I've beaten the dead horse, exhausted my quite extensive list of everything I hate about these books, and my brain hurts. Just as the Baudelaires sailed away from that island, so must I sail away from this review. Goodbye until next time. I hope you either liked or hated my very first (and probably spasmodic and uneven and unintelligible) review on Goodreads, because if you take either one of those views, I've done my job!
I read the book "The Ersatz Elevator," by Lemony Snicket. I enjoyed this book, but I didn't like it as much as some of the other books I've read in the series. The book still had a great plot and idea behind it.The plot starts out with the orphans moving into their new home, with their new guardians, Jerome and Esme. They live in a huge apartment complex in the same town the orphan's house burned down. Sunny, Klaus, and Violet are on a search for their friends that Count Olaf captured, the Quagmires. Esme is a financial advisor, that is very obsessed with what is "in" or what is "out." Elevators are out, and when Esme tells the doorman not to let the orphans leave the building until the auctioneer has left, this strikes the orphans unusual. They tried to leave the building the next morning, but the doorman insists the auctioneer still hasn't left the building. The orphans realized the auctioneer was Olaf, so this drew suspicion within the orphans. They searched every apartment in the building for Olaf, but he was nowhere to be found. Then Klaus came up with the idea about what if he were living in the elevator shaft. The orphans searched the elevator shaft and found the Quagmires trapped in a cage, in which they were being transported to the ''in" auction. The orphans traveled through a tunnel that lead them to the auction, where they found out that Esme and Olaf were working together. When they revealed Olaf to the public, he ran with the Quagmires in the cage, and escaped once again. The orphans will continue the search for their friends, the Quagmires, but Jerome insists they must live with someone else.Olaf is a very sly, sneaky individual. He is a witty person that is trying to get ahold of the orphan's fortune, as well as the Quagmires fortune. He is a very creepy individual that isn't nice at all. Klaus is a young boy that is very smart, with great researching skills. He uses these skills to help out Violet and Sunny with the plan they have. He cares very much about his friends, as well as his sisters. Violet is a sixteen year old girl with great inventing skills. She also uses these skills to help with the plan, and she cares very much about her brother, as well as her sister. Sunny is just a baby, but she has very sharp teeth that she uses to climb the elevator shaft to save her brother and sister, as well as the Quagmires. She cares very much about her siblings, as well as her friends. Jerome was a weird individual, who didn't like to argue. He gave in easily, and wanted to get along with everyone. Esme is an evil individual who works with Olaf behind Jerome's back. She is a person who was smart minded, but extremely evil.The setting of this story takes place on 667, Dark Avenue which was in the same town where their parents home burned down. This story takes place in present time.This is a good book, which I would recommend to anyone interested in mystery, or who is looking to continue this series. Snicket uses a wide vocabulary which is sometimes difficult to understand, so I wouldn't recommend this book to anyone under a 5th grade reading level.
What do You think about The Ersatz Elevator (2001)?
This gripping book is part of an amazing series called A Series of Unfortunate Events.Vocabulary children will learn in this book: ersatz, interval, squalor, superb, dogged, compatriots, mulctuary, halogen, grueling, aqueous, fraught, despicable, luxurious, penthouse, salmonella, indicate, mortified, almanac, resolutely, titanium alloy, legacy, oxygen, aluminum, nefarious, monocle, scraggly, bickering, banister, xenophobe, somniferous, emerging, fruitless, caffeine, stimulant, idiosyncrasies, meekly, trek, magenta, doily, enclosure, vertical axis, via, console, regulate, electromagnetic, transport, sequence, halt, access point, shaft, slithery, rejoined, extension cord, handiwork, furthermost, hallucination, phantasm, manufacture, cavernous, welding, devise, grimly, boutique, vapid, planetarium, makeshift, hoist, disconcerting, heed, embedded, dislodge, detaching, alleviated, misfortune, decisively, cul-de-sac, assortment, circumstances, worrisome, crowbar, portable, lever, parchment, conspiracy, hoist, prestigious, hubbub, cater, grimy, charade, befuddled, flimsy, ruthless, anguish, and dastardly.Concepts children will learn in this book: nervous vs. anxious, blindly following trends in order to be stylish, pinstripe suits, a mixed bag, fared no better, a smashing event, how an auction works, they were taken aback, dwarfed by comparison, table of the elements, the element of surprise, furrow your brow, slept like a log, stiffened their resolve, didn't see hide or hair of them, never been her forte, hit the jackpot, the time wasn't ripe, something broke their fall, the myth of Hercules, Scylla and Charybdis, being shorthanded, the cat's pajamas, could have knocked him over with a feather, and a red herring.This book uses “it's all uphill from here” to mean “things will be better in the future” / “it's all downhill from here” to mean that there are horrible things in the future.Sunny says “Hansel”. “Gretel”, “snack”, “grape”, “Armani”, “top”, “Geronimo”, “Olaf”, and “thousand”. It's great to see her vocabulary growing.Again, this book contains strong messages about the importance of family and friends.
—Carmen
As a series these books are incredible. The formulaic plot that is repeated in every book satisfies the child who is being read to's expectation of what's going on, right and wrong and the band of simple characters. Where the books become really clever is the additional bits of plot woven into the anecdotes, dedications and acknowledgments, written for the older reader, whether parents reading aloud or older children. The humour is clever, beautifully insightful and infinitely quotable. Type Lemony Snicket quotes into any search engine and you will receive a barrage of hilarious snippets which readers of any age can appreciate. The beautiful sense of innocence is what I love about the books as well as the introduction of long words and the imaginative anecdotes to which they pertain. Although the actual definition of the words is sometimes glossed over, I assume the intention is to entertain the older readers and intrigue the younger ones into asking what they mean.Overall Lemony Snicket (real name Daniel Handler) uses the fact that he is writing a book to his advantage more than anyone else I have read. His tone of voice is unique and wonderful. He plays with the words on the page, often inviting readers to skip chapters, find out more, answer questions or search for hidden meanings. In one instance, being unable to describe just how black the tunnel was, he illustrates his point by colouring the next two pages in black ink. His love of books comes through in every sentence often using them as a device to tell between good and evil."Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them." Lemony Snicket
—Kat Thomas
I'm slowly catching up with the reviews on ASoUE. Currently I'm reading book 12 of 13 to Celyn.The story formula is eroding by book 6 and some welcome variety / twists are introduced.More surreal adventure, more amusement for the adults in the translation of Sunny's bon mots. More skulduggery from Count Olaf and friends. Very few questions answered and lots more posed.Whilst the absurdity doesn't scale the heights of Sunny's teeth vs sword duel in book 4 we do get to see Sunny scale the heights of an 88 story building using just her teeth. We're also treated to schemes designed to make a physicist weep (this one at least) - yes, it's a children's story for fun ... but why not take a moment to make sense? Violet is an inventor - a great role model for the young girls reading. Excellent. But couldn't her inventions contain an ounce of sense?Witness: Invention to burn through the bars of a cage. Welding torches! How are they made? By heating cooking tongs in an oven. i) It's nonsense to say the oven reaches a temperature high enough to melt metal. Even if it did it would melt itself.ii) The tongs would melt.iii) We see the tongs shade as they heat up ... but in the wrong order. They go through yellow and orange before reaching 'red hot' - surely any adult (and most children) know red is the lowest temperature when dealing with glowing metal and white-hot is the hottest. iv) The tongs would cool down during the 88 story descent to the cage.v) The tongs (even if white hot and having a much higher melting point than cage bars) would not hold enough heat to melt the bars - they would simply heat up the bar a bit.Yes, this is science pedantry, but it's also incredibly basic / obvious and Violet would be a far more interesting and compelling role-model if her inventions weren't ... nonsense.Anyway, the story was pretty good, Celyn enjoyed it, and we moved sharply on to book 7.
—Mark Lawrence
