Have you ever had one moment, one fleeting moment when you thought ‘I wonder if I’m adopted?’ Maybe some of you have had more than one of these ruminations, or maybe some of you have been adopted and wonder what your biological parents could do for you that your adopted ones have failed to or…. Maybe some of you come from a blue collar, somewhat dysfunctional, totally unhealthy suburban family with a pool and stray dogs and overly wrought holidays with extended family that sure make you wish for that adoption story to be true.Maybe. What A.M. Holmes does for the reader here is bring to light those thoughts and questions that you may think that you think but you would never, ever say out loud. And bless her for using her own experiences to do so. At the age of 31, she is told that her birth mother wants to contact her. Now, she’s known all along that she was adopted and has been fine with that. She was raised by a somewhat normal, Jewish family in D.C and was able to attend college and grow up and be a writer and live in New York City… basically a dream for a lot of people on this site. Now imagine being put in the position of knowing your biological roots. As she says ‘How could I not know?’ I think when we play the adoption story out in our heads, we tend to create this perfect family, the ones that get all your quirky literary references, the ones that you can debate current events with and that won’t embarrass you in restaurants by asking for ketchup to pour on their noodles. You know, the Keatons from Family Ties or Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird (yeah, I’m still working out Daddy issues on that one)What you don’t really think is that you’re going to get a psychotic mom with fatherly figure issues and a washed up jock of a father who’s twice your mom’s age and enjoys fondling the cone cupped bra of a 15 yr old in the late ‘50s. But, what did you really think would happen? You were put up for adoption after all. This memoir relives the 12 or so years after she contacts her birth parents. She has to run interference with her birth mom and her adopted mom at one of her readings, she has to meet her Dad in 3 star hotel lobbies and wonder if he’s just reliving the glory days of having a mistress and figuring out ways to fuck her. She endures numerous phone calls from her mother telling her that she has been a shadow of a person since she let her go and then deal with her Dad not acknowledging her to his ‘real’ family. All this and more. Yikes. At least it’s good writing material, suffer for your art, beyotch. (okay, I didn’t really mean that Ms. Holmes, I greatly admire your writing…)The memoir isn’t a difficult read, mostly because Homes is a good writer. Her insights and her ability to conjure up images that make you say ‘A-ha’ is why I’ll continue to read her stuff. And for lines like these:To be adopted is to be adapted, to be amputated and sewn back together again. Whether or not you regain full function, there will always be scar tissue.And I am a thirty-two-year old woman sitting across from my mother and she is blind. Invisibility is the thing I live in fear of. I implode, folding like origami. I try to speak but I have no words. My response is primitive, before language, before cognition—the memory of the body. I think that there are parts of the book that we could live without; what I assume are her musings/rantings/ log of questions in deposition form to her father: “How would you describe yourself, Mr. Hecht? Is there more to you than that—than just a retired businessman? What is your identity, Mr. Hecht? Did you always know who you were? Do you think you’re an average man? Has anyone ever called you a big shot? Ever try Viagra? Why did your paternal grandmother carry a gun?” This goes on for 16 pages. I see how she needed to get this out, but I felt that I could skim over this and be okay with it. Another part that I felt dragged was her quest for her ancestry. We sit and watch as she pours through onion skinned paper court documents and miles of microfiche. I think she wanted us to experience her pain and the torture that is researching, googling, signing up for DNA tests online, figuring out where you belong in the world. Consider this accomplished. So, this whole nature vs. nuture thing? What do you think? I think that there are credible examples that work on both sides. Are we nothing but a product of our bloodlines and we are doomed to our genetic history or are we what we are made up through personal experiences, life lessons, our environment. Or is it all just a bunch of hullabaloo?
I came across a review for this book in the Oprah Magazine. I had this book tucked on away on my mental "to read" list for a long time. A.M Homes is an acclaimed writer in her own right (I have not yet had the opportunity to read her books) who always knew she was adopted. However, it isn't until she is adult that she is contacted by her birth mother and meets her birth parents. Unlike what one sees in movies and reads in novels, being reunited with one's biological parents years after being given up for adoption is not magical or heartwarming experience. Life's little pieces do not suddenly fall into place. Rather, Homes debunks this myth by chronicling how unsettling and emotionally taxing it is meeting with her birth parents. Both biological parents are selfish, needy and unable to give Homes the love and support that she expects a biological parent would give her. Her biological father, Norman, is too ashamed of her existence to ever really build any kind of meaningful relatiosnhip with her. In the end, Homes realizes that perhaps the greatest gift her biological mother gave her was her adoptive family. Homes adoptive parents, though quirky in their own way, embraced her and gave her unconditional love and support. In her memoir, Homes very candidly expresses her hurt, frustration and longing to get to know her biological parents. She is unapologetic about the frustration she feels towards to each person and her disappointment about not knowing more about her ancestory is palpable. It is a true and frank memoir and the reader feels that they are experiencing the roller coaster of emotions that Homes is experiencing first hand.
What do You think about The Mistress's Daughter (2007)?
This was boring. A.M. Homes whined and acted immaturely throughout the entire memoir. She is frustrating and unsympathetic. A.M. Homes has some abandonment issues she tried to work out through this memoir but it is not a journey you want to take with her. She is whines far too much and acts immature. She shuns her birth-mother and seems to have quite a bit of hostility and annoyance toward her. She won't see her or call her and mocks her insecurities. Yet, Homes will stop at nothing to please her birth-father. I was disappointed in this book and had to force myself to power though it. Don't bother reading it.
—Angelina
so far...not liking it - and feel like I've read it before (have I? If only I'd always had this site...)Okay. I had read the story before - in the New Yorker in 2004. If she hadn't mentioned that her biological father always met her in hotels, I wouldn't have remembered the story at all. She's not a very likeable character, she hides more than she reveals, she focuses on things that I don't admire and she doesn't seem to appreciate (or at least let on that she appreciates) the good people in her life. I don't know - I'm not adopted, so maybe I can't understand that profound disconnect, but I do appreciate my non-biological ties (to family friends, to my friends) and she seems to discount them because she didn't have the biological ties. She mentions briefly that her biological mother asks her "are you sorry I gave you up?" and her reply is "no. you did the right thing" but then she seemingly forgets that and that her life would have been hellish if she'd been raised by her biological parents. I don't know who the right audience for this book is. And it needed a better editor.
—Julie
I get so hooked on books about women who are searching for and trying to understand their relationship with their mother. That is probably because I feel so homeless right now. Anyway, here are my favorite lines, and I think A. M. Homes has become one of my favorite writers."Once I know something, the amount of effort it takes to deny it, to suspend knowledge, is enormous and potentially more dangerous than to simply move along with it and see where it takes me.""At this point it would take nothing short of a national month long festival, a public parade celebrating my existence, to reassure me that my presence on this planet is welcome." [Ha! Sweetly funny]"I am a thirty two year old woman sitting across from my mother and she is blind. Invisibility is the thing I live in fear of. I implode, folding like origami. I try to speak but have no words. My response is primitive, before language, before cognition -- the memory of the body." [Helps me to be a more alert mother, and to explain some moments of remembered pain, moments when I could not speak because it hurt so much]."Did I ever say how precariously positioned I feel -- on the edge of the earth, as though my permit could be revoked at any second?""What bubbles beneath is rage -- nuclear hot rage. And below that, deep grief -- profound disappointment that he is not capable of more, cannot rise to the occasion, does not feel compelled to do better."[Sometimes I wonder if I am over-compelled to do better].And there was another line, which I failed to mark with a sticky note but half remembered this morning -- at the end of the book, she described two qualities of herself -- having a constant fear of losing things (ha! I lost this line) and something else ... I will have to go back to the book and see if I can locate it. If I ever get my hands on it again, that is.
—Cheryl
