I'm having so many emotions right now after finishing this, and I hope I can reign them in a bit during the following series of anguished ramblings. Actually, I think I might let loose a little, just because reading this was a personal experience and I don't know how else to talk about it without feeling weird.I really should have read this earlier. If I ever become some kind of kindly kinky elderly mother figure, I will pass this book out to anybody who I think needs it. There's so much vital information in here that I kind-of knew but I wasn't sure about. The tone of this book is just so sensible and sane – something you won't come across if your only exposure to BDSM is filtered through unrealistic media sources (i.e. porn, heh) and your own fantasies.There's no table of contents (at least on the Kindle version), which is kind of frustrating. But just from memory, it covers a lot of ground – there's talk about how to navigate sensations of pain, the importance of communicating your needs and desires honestly, the intricacies of consent and how to avoid a bad scene, various niche interests like cross-dressing and animal play and all the different identities people have (as well as the fluidity of these identities), how to set boundaries, and perhaps most importantly, how to distinguish fantasy from reality.What resonated most with me was the section about choosing a good top. I know I'm going to sound like such a dork right now, but I honestly didn't know most of the common-sense advice this book provided about who you should trust and who to avoid. It was just so nice to have all of this information laid out in a neutral and non-threatening way. I think that whole set-up of wanting to be submissive or a bottom or whatever does leave you extremely vulnerable. But if the person you're with doesn't respect your needs and desires, it doesn't matter how put-together, intelligent and successful they are. You should never feel belittled (against your will) or like you are stupid for wanting to be safe. I can't believe (well, I can, but it makes me so fucking mad) that there are tops out there who take advantage of the inexperienced and suggestible. Books like this are really damn important in combating that kind of douchebaggery with education.I really liked how they spoke at length about how power exchange works, and how playing with power does not divest you of it, necessarily. That felt really liberating and I just like their whole approach.Some quotes I highlighted:“If an alarm bell goes off, listen to yourself, and take a little more time to explore the situation. While we don't see a need to wait a hundred years, we do like to get to know someone well enough to feel safe.”“When something goes wrong in a scene, the quality of your top is not judged by the fact that she tried something that didn't work out (within the limits of physical safety and consensuality), but by her willingness to listen to you when you tell her about it. A top whose ego is invested in always being right cannot hear feedback, and a top who cannot hear feedback is dangerous.”“We grasp our power in order to share it. We share our power when we give the control over to the top, and together we become enormously potent.”“A good question to start with is: What's in it for me? What is the reward I would like to get out of this scene? Do I want to be punished? Praised? Show off? Become invisible? Who am I as a bottom? How do I want to feel?”“Submission is, we believe, a trancelike state of consciousness which includes heightened suggestibility and a sense of calm and rightness. And all of our scenes, physical, emotional, mental, can be looked at as efforts to get into a particular state of consciousness.”“We also know some tops who punish their bottoms for saying self-deprecating or self-hating things: 'I heard you put yourself down, and you're in serious trouble!' The underlying tone of love and concern in such an action seems to us to have a healing value.” (I thought maybe I was crazy for wanting my partner to actually care about me underneath all of the more caustic stuff. This was a breath of air to read.)To conclude, this book is a really good place to start to figure out how to approach this whole confusing mess of a kink, and how to treat yourself with respect through it all. Now, go forth my little kinksters! :') Stay safe!
When my girlfriend and I took our questions about our burgeoning interest in BDSM to our more experienced friends in Washington D.C., they recommended that we start with this book, and it's sister The New Topping Book. The authors write with wit and compassion, making this a fun, sexy, and comforting read.It's important to remember, however, that this isn't a 'how-to' manual. It won't tell you how to play BDSM games with your lover - at most, there are a few scenes you might find interesting. It will tell you why you should be willing to give it a try, and it will explore what might be going on in your head to make all this stuff interesting to you.Anyway, this book is an absolute winner. I can enthusiastically pass on my friends' recommendation to all comers.
What do You think about The New Bottoming Book (2001)?
Like The New Topping Book, this is an updated version of a previous book (this time it was The Bottoming Book: How to Get Terrible Things Done to You by Wonderful People). The edition I read was published in 2001, roughly ten years after the original. Both books are by BDSM veterans Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.This was similar to The New Topping Book in that it was a good primer for people new to the lifestyle, though there were fewer anecdotes and personal scenes, and a lot was repeated between books. As most people aren't going to read both that's a minor quibble.One book is not a substitute for the other--there is very specific information for each side of the top/bottom equation in each book. Reading both was enlightening in terms of how two people can experience the same extreme situation differently.For someone with an intellectual curiosity about but no personal interest in BDSM, I would recommend reading both books. They provide a good deal of information in a short span and are easily accessible.The New Bottoming Book covers basic information about a wide variety of bottoming scenes and techniques without being a particularly long read so I'd definitely recommend it for new bottoms or people who think they might be submissives or bottoms. 5/5 stars.
—Paige La Marchand
There may come a time in your life where an, in hindsight, obviously abusive relationship leaves you completely disassociated from your body and sexuality.In times like that, I should think, it is only right and natural to go back to your roots. Reconnect with yourself on a fundamental level, remind yourself who you are and what it is that you like. A person who tore you apart is one thing, allowing their influence to keep you from the fullness of life even after they’re gone is quite another. You gotta get your kink back sooner or later.Topping and its companion, Bottoming, are in this way an indispensible reminder of the possibilities of human physicality, and a reminder that no matter how long you’ve put yourself second, it’s never too late to find yourself again, sexually, sensually and psychologically. In this way they are must reads for anyone.Also, they teach you how to fuck better. And that’s useful too.
—Christopher Munroe
Although I appreciate Easton's work, I feel that I run into the same wall every time I read something by her. Every point she makes are ones I already know, in a way; it's all common sense, lessons learned through living, and epiphanies we all come to at some point. We all know that in order to be the best bottom we can be, we must communicate with our top. We must respect our top. We must respect ourselves. Etc. We all are very aware of these things, but every now and then, we need reminding. We need someone to tell us that it's ok to feel the way we do, and to want the things we need, and Easton is that voice. Ultimately, most of her books end up being positive, easy reads, however I never feel fulfilled. I don't come away feeling like I've gained much knowledge or insight, but I do feel a little more secure in who I am. So, worth reading but nothing groundbreaking.
—Mary K
