I killed him by being so jealous, by wanting him before I understood what he is. Or I ate too much crap. Or my body is built like Chabella’s and I must lose as much as twice before I can begin.I keep mistaking my heartbeat for his.My heart(his heart?)my heart?(mine)my own heart,beating me down like a belt.I am still bleeding.Shhhhhh. God already knows.I am not special. Maja you are not special.Sleep, then get up again, and so on.The kitchen smells of toasted coconut; Mami has been baking before church. At the table, Papi has drawn up a chair and is sitting at Tomás’s shoulder, leaning his chin onto his fist as he watches Tomás write his homework. Usually Tomás fidgets and shrinks if someone is in his space for longer than a few minutes. But Tomás’s arm, spread over his paper to shield it, is gently touching Papi’s. Papi nods at us, and when Chabella and I come at him and Tomás from separate sides to kiss them, he says, ‘And how are my Kingdom Kids?’Tomás looks at me directly and I see that his lip is swelling under a deep pink cut.
