James had fallen asleep, but I was struggling to find peace. My mind was racing. James’ decision to book the last minute break had unnerved me. Not just because of my deep down concern about what I had thought I had heard over the baby monitor, but also because I didn’t really like such surprises. I was a planner, and liked to be strategic about things like holidays. I would spend at least a week before going away getting things ready in my head; making sure we had the right clothes, the right equipment, and the right supplies. Now we had Grace, I was even more meticulous. We had to think about feeding equipment, changing mats, nappies, bath wash, her clothes, sheets, baby sleeping bags, and the monitor. The list went on. So as I stared at the ceiling, I realised that there was only one way to get to sleep, and that was to surrender to my nature, get up, and begin planning. I slipped out of bed without James even stirring, and padded out of the room. The heating had only gone off half an hour ago, but already there was a chill in the air as I crossed the landing and crept downstairs.
