Dave Barry's Complete Guide To Guys (2000) - Plot & Excerpts
It has been awhile since I read this, but I recall it being sooo funny. I think this is my favorite passage:Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they'd better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of myself-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.''What?'' says Roger, startled.''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so ...'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)''What?'' says Roger.''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''''There's no horse?'' says Roger.''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)"Yes,'' he says.(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.''What way?'' says Roger.''That way about time,'' says Elaine.''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.(At last she speaks.)''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger.Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
Yes, I went on kind of a Barry Bender here. Forgive me - as I said before, sometimes you just need a palate-cleanser before you get back into the fray.If you're reading this, and there's a good chance that you are, you probably know a guy. You may even be a guy, though the way Barry talks about them, you wouldn't think that guys would be into book reviews. If you know a guy, then this book is for you - it will illuminate some classic guy behaviors and shine some lights into the dark corners that your rational mind has been unable to penetrate. If you are a guy, then this book is also for you. Guys aren't famous for their introspection, but perhaps it will allow you to understand why it is your wife and/or girlfriend get so frustrated with you from time to time (hint: it's not her, it's you).This book is a tribute to guys (not men - those people have enough advocates as it is) and the ways in which they live. It's like a documentary in print, really, giving us a rare glimpse into the lifestyle and habits of the modern guy.So, what exactly is a guy, then? Well, you're lucky - Barry has included a self-analysis quiz in the first chapter. For example:As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?a. Innocenceb. Idealismc. Cherry bombsCompete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...a. ... remember the deceased and console his loved onesb. ... reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly lifec. ... tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.What is the human race's single greatest achievement?a. Democracyb. Religionc. Remote controlI think you can guess which answers reveal your guyness.Being a guy means more than just being a man, and in fact there is a very definite difference between men and guys. Men are people we of the male persuasion wish we could be - Superman, Edward R. Murrow, George Clooney. Guys are who most of us turn out to be - Homer Simpson, Bill O'Reilly, Tom Arnold. And there's nothing inherently wrong with this. It's just that as long as we assume that guys will act like men, we're bound to be disappointed. Guys are terribly misunderstood in modern society despite the very important role they play.For example: without guys, we wouldn't have a space program. Don't believe it? What other type of person would deliberately design a rocket, watch it shoot up and then say, "I wonder if we can make a bigger one?" Guys, that's who. The Saturn V is a tribute to guyness, as is the space shuttle - an endlessly tinkerable machine that occasionally blows up.Without guys, there would be no professional sports, to say nothing of the parasitic fan industry that has sprung up around sports like a remora. Guys have an undying and unyielding attachment to sports teams - you might see a guy leave his wife of twenty years and the children they raised together, but I'd be willing to be that he would sooner die than switch his team allegiance from, say, Yankees to Red Sox. The unshakable, irrational dedication of these guys is what keeps modern sports afloat despite scandal and disappointment. Now I'm not a sports fan, I'll admit, but I can certainly relate - I'll support NASA until the last breath leaves my body, and no force on earth will ever get me to switch from DC Comics to Marvel, no matter how badly DC messes with the characters that I've always loved, the bastards.I also don't get to play a part in the endlessly frustrating relationship that exists between guys and women, seeing as how I'm, well, into guys. As a side note, The Boyfriend is also a guy, but less than I am - he cleans, for example. And I don't mean that he cleans the way a real guy cleans - spray a little, wipe a bit and say, "Good enough." He actually cleans. Like, every day. I know - weird, isn't it?Women and guys will always frustrate each other, you see. Women love to read meaning into every nuance of conversation, every raised eyebrow or dropped word. Women want to know what the guy in their life is thinking. The answer is that he probably isn't thinking. At least, not about what she would want him to think about - her and the relationship they share. In fact, as Barry takes pains to point out, he may not, technically, be aware that he's in a relationship at all. You ladies have a lot of work to do if you're hooked up with a guy.But before you go thinking that the life of a guy is sweet ignorant bliss, think again. You ladies will never know the pain of the Urinal Dilemma, or the feeling of knowing that, no matter how hard you try, you'll never be able to fix anything in your own home - your wife will have to call a man (probably named Steve) for that. Guys' minds aren't terribly complex, but they do run on certain rules. Know these, and your relationship with the guy in your life will go much more smoothly.This is really one of Barry's classics, a book that everyone can easily enjoy. Whether you are a guy or just know a guy, there's laughs to be had here.
What do You think about Dave Barry's Complete Guide To Guys (2000)?
I have to say this is one of the most enjoyable experiences I've ever had with a book. I mean, of course I enjoy books, but enJOY - as in laugh my appendages sore nonstop - is not something I experience everyday, even with good-humored authors. Dave Barry is a trip anyway - if you enjoy humor, many of his books are well worth your investigation - but this one tops them all. Far too many favorite parts to really do it justice, but I will say that I've pushed the horse/he said, she said chapter onto numerous friends and relatives. Men will love it every bit as much; just show them the urinal spacing diagram and he will never, ever turn back. This fills an incredible need for stomach-wrenching laugh attacks. Thanks, Dave...
—Peanut
Dave Barry always makes me smile, and sometimes makes me laugh out loud. I feel safe with him, like he's my strange, funny uncle, whom I trust but who's just a little off.I loved the diagrams and anecdotes in here. A lot of things definitely rang (scarily) true and made me think of my husband. However, I would be embarrassed to give this to my dad or some other "guys" to read - I know it's all in fun but it's definitely overly derogatory to men at points. It gets old after awhile; it's probably best to read it in snippets and not in one sitting.
—Kaitlin
בארי דייב – "המדריך השלם לגברים אמיתיים"מודן/ ניר אריה, 158 עמ'דייב בארי הוא איש אשכולות (לפי ויקפדיה) : סופר ועיתונאי, כיכב בסידרת טלביזיה "עולמו של דייב" וזוכה פרס פוליצר.הוא כתב ספרים ובינהם "פיטר ותופסי הכוכבים" (שאם אני לא טועה נחשב לספר ההמשך של פיטר פן". לטענת רבים הספרים שלו מצחיקים. גם לי הובטח שהספר הזה יצחיק אותי עד דמעות, אז זהו שלא. הוא לא הצליח כל כך להצחיק אותי."המדריך השלם לגברים אמיתיים" אמור להיות תיאור הומוריסטי של חיי הגברים, טעמם, ההתפתחות החברתית שלהם, הבעיות שלהם והתפקיד שלהם במסגרת המשפחתית.הספר כתוב בשפה קולחת וקלילה, ולא אחת הוא הזכיר לי טור בעיתון, פרק בסידרת סיטקום או הופעת סטנד אפ. הוא כולל 9 פרקים ועוד הקדמה וסיכום.הוא יצא לאור בשנת 1995 וחלק מהאירועים שמאוזכרים בו והמחבר מתייחס אליהם אכן נותנים תחושה אנכרוניסטית.השיטה הזו של כתיבה בסגנון של טור עיתונאי או הופעת סטנדאפ מאופיינת במלל המיועד להגיע למטרה, לפנץ' ליין שיפיל את הקורא (המאזין) מצחוק. לצערי הרבה מהבדיחות לא הצחיקו אותי ואף לא העלו חיוך על פני.מצאתי 3 קטעים מכל הספר שדיברו אלי. שני קטעים ציטטתי כאן ופה וקטע אחד (על בעיות הזיכרון של הגברים, לא ציטטתי כי הוא היה בערך עמוד וחצי ולא היו לי כוחות להקליד).בארי לא מחדש כלום מבחינתי הוא לועס שוב את הבדיחות המוכרות והידועות. גברים שלא יודעים איך לעשות כביסה, עסוקים בהפרחת נפיחות (או הפלצות), שתיית בירה והתרועעות עם חברים.אין לי זיכרון שצפיתי בסידרה "עולמו של דייב" אבל אם היא מצחיקה כמו הספר, אז בהחלט מובנת לי הסיבה שהיא ירדה מהמרקע.מומלץ לוותר.
—Siv30
