You’ll notice Eileen never says what part of Fred the “royal tattoo” was on. Jason was hoping to freak Eileen out when he pulled down his pants to show her his tattoo during her interview with us, but, well, she swooned when she saw his butt. She’s a butt swooner. That’s what she is. A cheese-sucking butt swooner. “That,” she told me later, “is the kind of boy girls want! Not the real Fred. So I’m going to have Fred act more like Jason.” Now that most of the vampires have been banned from high schools, people sort of forget that most vampire students were total losers. Seriously—you know how at every school there’s one guy in his twenties who still hangs around by the football field all the time? Imagine how much bigger a loser that guy would have to be to keep hanging around when he was two hundred. At least Fred was only about fifty or sixty. The real Fred looked okay, but he wasn’t “hot.” He had kind of a ratty look, with one of those scraggly teenage mustaches, and acne that had lasted for decades (poor guy).
