I drink too much. I have trouble falling asleep at night and even more difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. I can’t satisfy my deep, ravenous hunger, no matter how many comforting white carbs I down. I am lonely, yet avoid my friends, even Cate, and especially April, who has left me multiple messages. I lie to my family, shooting them chatty updates, snapshots of the kids on Santa’s lap, and uplifting YouTube clips with notes such as This is cute! or You’ll love!, always with exclamation points, sometimes with emoticons. I overcompensate with my children, a fake smile plastered on my face as I hum Christmas carols and punch open days of our Advent calendar with wild enthusiasm. I lie to Nick, curling against him every night, wearing his favorite perfume, pretending that I had another productive, festive day. Most of all, I lie to myself, telling myself that if I keep pretending, I can change the course of my life.But I cannot escape her. I cannot escape the obsession with a woman I’ve never laid eyes on.
