The molehills of bad habits and irritating behaviors that were overlooked early in the relationship can grow into mountains of intolerance and resentment. The husband begins to focus more and more on the negative traits of his wife. And the wife does the same thing with her husband. All this negativity sucks the joy and love right out of the relationship. Appreciation of the positives that got you married in the first place fade away. The spontaneity and thrill of passion is replaced by the dullness and frustration of resentment. When I see a married couple in therapy, my initial job is to get the spouses to stop the negative flow and start a positive flow. Let me tell you, it’s a tough job. Each partner is zeroed in on the faults of the other, and the blame game is in full swing. When I tell husbands and wives their first assignment is to write a letter detailing their own faults in the marriage, they are horrified. I’m met with stunned silence which quickly turns into protestations of “but our problems are my spouse’s fault.”
