And by “do it” I mean, I can break your heart in revolting, terrible ways. Ways that are so evil that when you will tell your future girlfriends about them over shared ice cream sundaes, the girlfriends will be so sick and disgusted by my evilness, they won’t eat another bite of the ice cream. Then she’ll put her hand tenderly on your wrist and you can have the rest of the sundae all to yourself. Even the cherry. If you even like those. Remember this. So tonight I watched a particularly satisfying segment on the local news. It was a story about a program at Purdy, the local women’s prison, where long-term inmates train dogs for the blind. Since a prisoner has heaps of free time, she can devote nearly all of it to raising and training a puppy. Helping an eager Labrador become the useful citizen she never was. Most of the inmates in the program were convicted of nonviolent crimes: theft, fraud, and larceny. Embarrassing acts of desperation. And though I was feeling so thoroughly terrible for being such a deceiver myself, the story cheered me up slightly.
