Marriage Rules: A Manual For The Married And The Coupled Up (2012) - Plot & Excerpts
I'm a big fan of Harriet Lerner's, and was excited to hear that she had a (relatively) new book out. Harriet writes in a deceptively simple, accessible, down-to-earth manner but is solidly grounded in systems theory. As such, her advice tends to be similar to what I would recommend as a therapist rather than trite, generic, and self-helpy. I frequently recommend her books to my clients, and this one is even more user-friendly than some of her others as it's broken down into short sound bytes (106 1-2-page "marriage rules") and doesn't demand a great attention span or long swaths of reading time. I was working with a very conflicted, stressed-out couple when I got this from the library and so much of it resonated with the issues they were sharing.One reviewer felt that the book is dated, antifeminist, and targeted at the "worried well." I guess I have my own perspective, but with the book's inclusion of lesbian couples and acknowledgement that men and women don't necessarily fall into respective distancer-pursuer roles all the time (though in my experience that's typical of what you see as a therapist, which is an honest admission even if it's a politically incorrect one), I certainly disagree with the first two criticisms. As far as the third is concerned, it's true that many of the book's examples focus on day-to-day issues like division of labor as opposed to drug addiction and other more serious problems. Having said that, in my experience, even when I'm working with couples who are stressed out by something major, fights often focus on day-to-day issues because that's what we live in. There are other books and advice for addressing bigger, more unusual and exceptional problems like drug addiction, an ill child, etc. But this book isn't really about its examples of conflict, and to suppose that it is is a misreading in my view. This book is about systems issues like polarization and differentiation of self which are relevant no matter what is stressing a couple out.Like most good marital advice, the tidbits in this book are far easier said than done. The book is a lot easier to read than to put into practice on a consistent basis. Though the advice may seem simple, I know both professionally and personally that following these "rules" demands a great deal of self-discipline and sacrifice, and is not always rewarding in the short-term. That being said, I do agree with this book's recommendations and feel that, while reading it in conjunction with marital therapy would probably be most helpful (a therapist can provide support and help you problem-solve as you attempt to make these changes to improve your marriage), it could work as self-help for someone who's sufficiently motivated and self-disciplined. I don't think I've ever read a marriage manual before, but I'd seen this one recommended so many times that I thought I'd give it a go. And it's so good! Excellent, sensible, reassuring, and practical relationship advice. No personality changes required - just little suggestions for being a better partner (or not being driven too demented by your other half). I wish I'd read it years ago. (I also appreciated that it didn't only focus on heterosexual couples.)
What do You think about Marriage Rules: A Manual For The Married And The Coupled Up (2012)?
Nothing really new in this book. Not well written. Nothing harmful, just not good.
—Sar
Read it. It's good shit about marriage and recentering yourselves.
—Melissa
could be useful something to remind people what to do.
—DeeDee
