The Dance Of Anger: A Woman's Guide To Changing The Patterns Of Intimate Relationships (2005) - Plot & Excerpts
I think this author produced a well-thought out book. It focuses on helping women move away from unproductive anger and learning to be angry with positive, effective results.There is a section on women who don't "allow" themselves to be angry that I didn't spend much time on because never felt I wasn't allowed to be angry. There is another portion on "de-selfing" which involves a person (male/female) allowing another in their relationship to walk all over them and I didn't spent much time on this, either. A case was presented in which a woman was not "allowed" to attend the author's anger workshop because her husband said no. The author presented several "real cases" then proceeded to explain how she helped the person or persons work through their anger issues. There was a couple that had problem(s) with the husbands parents and the husband did not "deal" with the issue while the wife became more and more irate. Interesting way to handle it; however, I am a firm believer that it is the responsibility of the person related to "handle" his/her family, not the spouse. There was a young (new) mother who had repeated conflicts with her over-controlling mother that escalated when the two mom's parenting styles clashed. I'm not sure I agree with how that was handled, either. There was a couple that the wife thought their infant was not developing properly and the husband blew off her thoughts, which caused the wife to focus more intently on her point(s) and the husband to back further away. (This went on for almost a year!) I thought she made a good point in that when one pushes hard in a certain direction the other can often push even harder the opposite direction...however, it bugged me that she suggested that if the woman had waited until the man was more "receptive" (like after "snuggling", i.e., sex) then approached him with her concerns, he may have acted differently. (Yikes, timing is important, but dang!)There was another couple that complained that the man was uninvolved in the family and the woman was too emotional and too involved in the children's lives. I did not care for her resolution here and thought she missed the boat completely by not suggesting the couple were and had grown apart and that they needed to work on their relationship and focus on reconnecting. As it was, the husband dreaded coming home for fear she would "hound" him about her day. In any event, the author does open the door of thought to help guide disruptive anger. For me, there was not much that I haven't already figured out in my almost 50 years of age, but for someone younger or still struggling there may be some good suggestions found in this book about focusing on productive anger. I hoped it offered tidbits on helping bitter, angry people work through their issues and that wasn't between the pages of this read. One thing worth mentioning that I had not realized: There isn't one unflattering term used to describe men who vent their anger at women. Women are called bitches, shrews, man-haters, witches, etc while men are called bastards, son of a bitch--words that still place the blame on his mother. (Well, how about that?)
just a fascinating look at anger -- what it represents, how it manifests itself (often negatively), and its constructive use.lerner's voice is compassionate, her point of view feminist, her information solid, and her advice instructive. she particularly examines women's anger, viewing it within established relationships, not as destructive in and of itself but, rather, as a sign that something within the relationship needs to change. she discusses identifying the root causes of anger, understanding the cycles of angry argumentation, and then breaking those cycles through behavior change, speech change, and self-actualization. her case studies are numerous, engaging, and not hokey. they are believable, and the instructive scripts she provides are relatable and clear. critically importantly, she doesn't sugar coat ("and then marie and jorge never fought again!") but, rather, straightforwardly addresses the possible ramifications of behavior change within an established relationship (e.g., the self-empowerment of one person may result in the other's panic, desperate bids to return to established patterns of relating, or their own depression). the myriad case studies examine all sorts of relationships -- life partners, work managers and subordinates, coworkers, adult children and parents, young children and parents, siblings, etc. -- and all sorts of relationship patterns -- underfunctioning, overfunctioning, pursuit, withdrawal, overniceness, perceived bitchiness, etc. a fabulously interesting, instructive book. well worth a second and even third read.
What do You think about The Dance Of Anger: A Woman's Guide To Changing The Patterns Of Intimate Relationships (2005)?
I read this after Dance of Intimacy, and they are somewhat similar. However. I do think this one focuses more on the feelings of anger and how we react to them. As with "Intimacy", I think it is useful for both men and women. When I first saw this book, even though I read and loved Intimacy, I thought, "Anger? I don't need this book, I'm not an angry person." But, was I wrong. This book addresses both extremes, as well as states in between: giving into anger and emotion, or squashing it because we aren't supposed to feel angry. I tend towards the squashing camp. I found this very insightful and freeing and like "Intimacy" has many good examples, scenarios, and common sense.
—Aerin
This book has been quoted to me for many years and my boss recently recommended it. It is one of the first self help books on the topic and it took years of rejection for Harriet Lerner to get it published. While it is targeted to women, it applies to everyone. I liked the opportunity to use anger to define self and I appreciated the context of societal roles by gender even though I tend to be more "masculine" in my expression of anger.The best part about the book is the simple how-to examples of how every relationship is a dance and the only way to change the dance is to change YOUR steps. The advice to prepare for Change Back reactions was very helpful and I loved how it was all about speaking in "I" terms and being realistic about the fact that you can change YOU but changing other people is an exercise in futility. For those with a short attention span, you will be happy to hear that the book can be read in one day.Many self help books are downers but this was light enough that it felt realistic to implement some of the changes. Unlike Oprah's challenge to LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE. This felt like something I could accomplish. If you often feel overwhelmed by the maintenance of relationships, this book may help you set boundaries.My favorite passage from the book is this, "If we do not know about our family history, we are more likely to repeat past patterns or mindlessly rebel against them, without much clarity about who we really are, how we are similar to and different from other family members , and how we might best proceed in our own life."
—Angie
I know my friends are sick of hearing about her, but Harriet Lerner is a genius and my own personal guru (from afar). I never really thought I'd read a self-help book(especially one on relationships, eek), but I've re-read this one three times at different points in my life. The books (there's a Dance series) are easy to read, her case studies are good because the examples are ones that everyone can find in their own lives, and her advice is really sound. The basic premise is that if you're unhappy in any relationship, romantic or otherwise, you're the one who has to change things, that you're wasting your time if you're trying to change someone else. And she gives good ways, really specific ways to do that. Anyway, I just think she's brilliant and I actually enjoy reading the books. Just give 'em a try.
—Kathie M
