Hamlet Outsiders used to have a hard time keeping track of our family tree, but I didn't, since most of the branches have long since been pruned by the tall, hooded guy with the scythe. With the singular exception of Uncle Alex, the branches that were left would make some fine kindling wood. I specifically refer to the trio of carrion, also known as A) Dad's stepmother / aunt's sisters, B) Uncle Alex's mom's sisters, and C) my great vulture aunts, great when they sent me five or ten dollars on my birthday, vultures the rest of the time. The proper word hasn't been invented to describe these predators when we would spend yet another torturous Christmas Eve at one their homes, straddling the tangled, barbed wire of their malicious gossip, innuendos, suggestions, put-downs, cut-downs, and manipulations. Aunt Dutch was the oldest, a cold, near-psychotic spinster with an oversized bank account amassed by her dead (luckily for him) husband, who spent her free time hatching attitudes with her submissive shrew of a little sister, Aunt Melody, an alcoholic fool whose singular life achievement had been to bear two children with her oblivious bartender husband, Dad's Uncle Albert. Julia was the oldest. She was an over-educated, fast-talking slut, who bounced from companion to companion {always accruing something tangible from the split, like condos, cars, that sort of thing} and career to career {stock broker, photographer, tennis pro, teacher, consultant, and who the hell knows what else}, while little Matt was an untalented ex-college jock and failed National Hockey League forward, who trailed along behind his sister, landing jobs and insider scams in her peripatetic wake.) Which brings us to the baby hydra, dear Aunt Hilly, a brittle, ruthless personality with a good intellect and a better mean streak, two qualities she used to dominate the emotionally-trodden lives of her husband, George, an inept tradesman, and her once-handsome son, Lawrence, the big fish mayor of the little upscale suburban pond we all fled to from our old neighborhood in the city.
