She was on a routine escort mission, bringing the Neptunian Devil Bear’s union president, Wally Glagrik, to Federation headquarters for a public and universally broadcast apology from Captain Oswald Van Vanderhoort Van Tyler – again – when she was suddenly attacked by a roving band of deep-space space pirates. “All hands to stations!” called out First Lieutenant Archibald Duknerts. “Yes, sir,” said the computer, before repeating the order over the ship’s PA system. “But what about Private Parts?” asked Captain Tyler. “This is no time to talk about your testicles, Captain,” replied the lieutenant. “No, not my balls,” Tyler responded, “Private Peter Parts. He lost his hands during the last scheduled maintenance of the Zdravo’s plumbing.” “How... What?” “He doesn’t have hands is what I’m saying. He can’t bring his hands to stations.” “We have him in the engine room. Marshal Orr assigned him to a stationary bike. He thinks he’s powering the ship.” “Oh,”
