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Six Wives: The Queens of Henry VIII (2004)

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0060005505 (ISBN13: 9780060005504)
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harper perennial

Six Wives: The Queens Of Henry VIII (2004) - Plot & Excerpts

MARRY, KISS OR KILL : THE SIX WIVES OF HENRY VIIIA play in several indecent actsACT ONEScene 1The Year : 1500. Plymouth DocksCatherine of Aragon (aged 16) : So this is England... (She is violently ill).Scene 2 The Year : 1501. LondonChuck Berry : It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them wellYou could see that Young Arthur did truly love the mademoiselleCatherine : Like, what are you, 15?Arthur: Well, yes… (begins crying).Scene 3The Year : 1502. Ludlow Castle, WalesArthur : I’m going to bed. I’ve got the collywobbles or something. Later that evening. Lady in Waiting : Oh la, Princess Catherine, Prince Arthur has just died.Catherine : Come on, you’re pulling my plonker. I only just got here. We’ve only been married like five minutes. Oh my God, what a fucking disaster. Now what?Scene 4The Year 1502. LondonHenry VII : We deeply regret the death of our heir and first born, the right noble Prince Arthur. But good news is, we have another one.Catherine: What? No, don’t make fun of me, I’m a young Spanish girl and apart from my 65 servants I’m completely alone in your creepy country.Henry VII : No, straight up. Take a look.Enter Prince Henry, skipping. He has his crown on backwards. Prince Henry : Hey sire. Hey Kath. Wassup?Catherine : Hey, Hal. Wanna game of badminton? Wait…. Oh wait a moment… (speaks to Henry VII) … tell me this is a joke, right? You don’t mean what I think you mean?Henry VII : Smiling broadly I knew you’d catch on! So what do you think? He’s a likely lad ain’t he – look at those plump calves, give him a poke in his middle there, he’s a likely lad alright. (Winks)Catherine (now in a towering Spanish rage) : He’s ten years old you old English perv!Henry VII : Calm down dear, I didn’t mean now, obviously not now. You’ll have to wait around a bit. But you know, you’ll get to be Queen! It’s all good! Catherine: Well how long do you suppose I’ll be having to hang around then?Henry VII : Oh, er… how does seven years sound?Catherine (sings) : It might as well rain until 1509.Scene 5The year 1521. London.Henry VIII: Look, you can’t say I didn’t give her a fair crack of the whip. But I got to say, it looks like God didn’t want me to be married to this one. How many times has she been up the duff? About a zillion? And how many sons do I have? About none? Am I right?Cardinal Wolsey: Okay boss, but we can’t do nothing without the word. Henry VIII: The word?Wolsey : Yeah. From R-O-M-E. Henry VIII: Well, what do I pay you for? Get it done. And ask the Lady Anne to join me in my privy chamber. I wish to fumble with her lambkins.Henry VIII (soliloquy)She comes around here just about midnight, haShe make me feel so good, I wanna say she make me feel all right.Comes a-walkin' down my street, then she comes up to my palace, She knock upon my door and then she comes to my privy chamber,Yeah an' she make me feel all right, And her name isA-N-N-E B-O-L-E-Y-NI'm talkin' bout B-O-L-E-Y-NShout it out nowACT TWOScene 1 The Year 1522. London Catherine of Aragon (soliloquy) :Boleyn, Boleyn, Boleyn, Boleyyyyyyyyyyn I'm begging of you, please don't take my man Boleyn, Boleyn, Boleyn, Boleyyyyyyyyyyn Please don't take him just because you can. Your beauty is beyond compare With flaming locks of coal black hair With ivory skin And eyes of emerald green Your smile is like a breath of spring Your voice is soft like summer rain And I cannot compete with you, BoleynBoleyn, Boleyn, Boleyn, Boleyyyyyyyyyyn I'm begging of you please don't take my man Well you could have your choice of men But I could never love again He's the only one for me, Boleyn And I had to have this talk with you My happiness depends on you And whatever you decide to do, BoleynScene 2The year 1529. LondonEnter Catherine.Catherine : Greetings, most bountiful Lord, my dear husband.Henry VII: Good morrow, lodger.Catherine : Lodger? Nay, wife, I trow.Henry VIII: Lodger.Catherine : Wife!Henry VIII: Lodger.Catherine: Don't give me this crap. My lord, we have asked the Pope these several times and he says our marriage is a true and indissoluble bond fused in the highest heavens which can never be broken asunder.Henry VII: Yeah, well, I will crush the Pope’s brains with my own two hands.Scene 3Later that day.Anne Boleyn : Look, I’m not getting any younger.Catherine of Aragon: We all noticed that.Anne : Shut your trap you fat slag.Henry VIII : O who shall envieth the King of England who like a badger entrapp’d by hounds turns now to the left hand and now to the right yet seeest no sky. This lodger of mine has my balls in a Spanish salt grinder.Enter Wolsey.Henry VIII : Well, what have you got for me?Wolsey: Well, it’s complicated. It looks like the Pope’s not playing ball. (Dies.)Enter Thomas CranmerCranmer: I have an idea. It could be the Pope is a heretic.Henry VIII: I like that. Talk to me, Thomas.Anne (to Henry VIII) : You got to do something that no one else did Friends say that it can’t be done But all my love you know you've won So third finger, left hand That's where you gotta place the wedding band The Vandellas : Oooo - ooohHenry VIII : Yeah, yeah, I get it.Scene 4The Year 1530. LondonEnter Thomas CromwellCromwell : Sire, I have a crazy idea but it just might work. Why don’t… you be the Pope. Of England. The Pope…of England! Yeah. Like that. It be cool.Henry VIII : By my trow, that man hath the sow by the right ear.Scene 5The Year 1536. The Tower of LondonAnne Boleyn : How did the old fool find out? I was so discreet with Mark Smeaton, Sir Henry Norris, Sir Francis Weston, Sir Richard Page, Sir Thomas Wyatt, my brother, Sir Francis Bryan, the Spanish ambassador, oh my he was good...Thomas Cromwell( listening at the door): Aha.Henry VIII:Various cardinals and courtiers chaunting doo wop a wop in the backgroundHere's the moral and the story from the guy who knowsI fell in love and my love still growsAsk any Protestant in the landThey'll say keep away from-a Runaround AnneShe likes to travel around, yeahShe'll love you and she'll put you downNow people let me put you wiseAnne goes out with other guysScene 6The Year 1536. Tower Hill, LondonExecutioner : Don’t worry, I’m good at this. You won’t feel a thing.Anne : Slag.She is beheaded. The Executioner holds up her head and shows it to the crowdHead : Slags!ACT THREEScene 1 Next day.Henry : Oh Jane.Jane Seymour : Oh Henry. Scene 2:Later that same yearCromwell : Sire, my liege, most gracious Highness, do you want the good news or the bad news.Henry : Oh the good news, you know me.Cromwell: You have a son!Henry : At last! Brilliant! What’s the bad news – has it got two heads?Cromwell : No, it’s okay but your wife kind of died.Scene 3The Year : 1537. Some palace in England, who caresHenry : Mail order? What do you mean?Cromwell : Well, you look at the pix and you decide which one you like and then they ship her over. Henry (not convinced) : What if the pictures are attainted – suborned – photoshopped?Cromwell : You send Hans Holbein over, he does you a quick portrait, and Bob’s your uncle.Henry : Well, okay… (thumbs through the book) – what about that one?Cromwell : Oh, sorry – dead of plague. Henry : That one?Cromwell : Ah, yeah, she was cute. Look at those tasty wambles. But, er, they burned her for heresy only last week. Henry (not known for his patience) : Then that one.Cromwell : Okay! Saxony here we come!Scene 4The Year 1539. Rochester.Henry is peeking through a heavy curtain.Henry : Oh my God! Is that her? Tell me it’s not so! She looks like a monkfish. I’ve seen prettier partially eaten dead donkeys. I wouldn’t touch that one with a ten foot pole. My dick has shrivelled off and is now running away at great speed. I’m going to have Hans Holbein’s guts on toast for dinner. Cromwell (singing frantically and capering about)If you wanna be happy for the rest of your lifeNever make a pretty woman your wifeSo from my personal point of viewGet an ugly girl to marry youScene 5The Year 1540. A street in LondonCourtier 1: I heard he hated her but he couldn’t get out of it.Courtier 2 : Yes, and I heard from a very good source that he couldn’t get it up – I can’t say I’m surprised, did you see her yet? The actual words he used were (whispers) “I could not in any wise overcome that loathsomeness in her company and be provoked or stirred to that act”!Courtier 1 : Oh I say… what a disahster – what does she say about it?Courtier 2: Well, what I heard was, that she was such an ignorant German goose that she wondered why she didn’t get with child even though all he ever did was say Madam, I bid thee goodnight!Courtier 1 : Well I can’t say I’m surprised that nobody had explained the birds and the bees to her before. I mean, why would you need to bother? Courtier 2: I know. Isn’t it just too delicious.Scene 6The Year 1540. London.Cromwell : Sign here…. Here…. And here. Anne of Cleves : Er – how much a year did you say? Cromwell : £4000.Anne : Das ist das beste Angebot, das ich hatte das ganze Jahr über haben.She signs.Scene 7The Year : 1541. A fence in Pall Mall, LondonFirst sparrow : So much for the new queen then.Second sparrow : I here she’s happy enough where she is.1st sparrow: What, rolling around in a basket?2nd sparrow: Huh? No, she has a nice house, she’s okay.1st sparrow: They chopped her head off.2nd sparrow: They did? Wow, I did not hear that. Was it because she was so damned ugly?1st sparrow: No, idiot, she was a pretty little thing.2nd sparrow: What Anne? She was a dog!1st sparrow : No, not Anne, Catherine!2nd sparrow: Who’s a idiot? Catherine’s long gone. I’m talking about Anne. Of Cleves.1st sparrow: Oh – I get it – you’ve been away… you missed a whole queen! Yeah man, they come and go quick, you blink and you miss a whole queen! Ha ha, that’s kind of funny.A 3rd sparrow flutters down to join them.3rd sparrow : Hey this new queen’s all right. Dunno how long she’ll last though. 1st sparrow : She already got the chop, bro. Dead ‘n’ gone, deader ‘n’ dead.3rd sparrow: What Catherine?1st sparrow: Yep, Catherine. 3rd sparrow: Catherine Parr?1st sparrow: No, what, who’s she?2nd sparrow : Ha ha, youse guys, this is the most ridiculousest conversation I ever heard between London sparrows.A 4th sparrow flutters down to join them4th sparrow : Hey, Henry’s dead, guys.All : Henry who?

This review was originally published in The Christian Science Monitor.Following his father’s passing in 1509, the 17-year old Henry Tudor, now King Henry VIII, married his brother’s widow, Catherine of Aragon; she was the daughter of Ferdinand and Isabella, sponsors of Christopher Columbus and more controversially of the Spanish Inquisition. Then some 16 years later, one daughter and many miscarriages later, Henry laid eyes on Anne Boleyn–Anne, dazzling Anne, witty, beautiful, highly intelligent, musical, the perfect court lady according to the standard of the day. Henry was besotted. But this Anne was also an early convert to the new Protestantism which was sweeping Europe–a reform movement that favoured individual good works and piety over pilgrimages and papal tradition. The stage was set. But divorce from Catherine was eight frantic years in coming. And that was only the beginning of Henry’s marital meanderings and the process that would sever England from the Catholic church and see Henry marry five more wives. For somewhere along the line, Henry also fell deeply in love with falling in love. Now to be frank, I don’t like the Tudors. In fact, I scrupulously avoid them. Rather like stinging nettles. For their reigns were so brutal, so full of connivers and conniving–and their greed was so greedy. And power struggles against them were invariably and messily fatal. So I eschew them (in favour of the far calmer waters of the Napoleonic Wars.) Thus it came as a bit of a surprise to me (and when I say surprise, what I really mean is huge shock) to find myself entranced by David Starkey’s intimate biography, Six Wives, the Queens of Henry VIII. My downfall started early, on page one, with Dr. Starkey’s style. His writing is so amiable yet intelligent, so conversational, so entirely engaging that my anti-Tudor avoidance mechanism was fully disarmed: he doesn’t drone on, he doesn’t witter, he doesn’t lecture. Instead of the arid historical cant of previous generations of Victorian and neo-Victorian historians, he begins his magnum opus this way: “The Six Wives of Henry VIII is one of the world’s great stories: indeed, it contains the whole world of literature within itself. It is more far-fetched than any soap-opera; as sexy and violent as any tabloid; and darker and more disturbing that the legend of Bluebeard. It is both a great love story and a supreme political thriller.” You see? This is only the first paragraph and I’m hooked! He muses, he speculates, he invites you to think, to consider and reconsider, to reason with him. His language is fresh, alive, current, intoxicating even–to quote Evelyn Waugh, it’s like “drowning in honey, stingless”. And it only gets better. Far, far better.Because Dr. Starkey is also quite a sleuth. Or do I mean terrier? For there is no fragment of information too small, too foreign, too illegible, too out of sync to escape his notice. Whether it was an obscure letter from Catherine of Aragon to her father which proved, among other things, that she knew well how to be economical with the truth; or the illegible (and thus never bothered with) transcript of Thomas Culpepper’s ‘confession’ about his relationship with Catherine Howard (Henry’s wife number five) which sent her to the executioner’s block. Whatever and wherever it is, Starkey ferrets it out and makes sense of it. Possibly the greatest strength of Starkey’s work though is that he remains steadfastly focused on these six women–despite the lodestar of Henry’s dominating presence–revealing so much about them that was previously unknown and unfathomed, but also disproving many of the prominent myths. None of these women were the brainless ciphers that history has cast them as. Anne Boleyn has always been portrayed as the vamp, which perhaps she was a bit; but she was also active in importing proscribed anti-clerical Protestant books from France and aiding in their distribution. Certainly, she was the driving force who saw Thomas Cranmer, the great reformer, installed as Archbishop of Canterbury. And Katherine Parr (wife number six) was a highly devout and sincere Protestant, a gifted writer and translator who saw her own work Prayers Stirring the Mind unto Heavenly Meditations published (it was a best-seller) and encouraged her stepdaughters, Mary and especially Elizabeth, to follow her lead. (All of which suggests that perhaps the most important legacy of Henry’s reign was left us, not by Henry, but by these remarkable women.) David Starkey is regarded as the pre-eminent Tudor historian here in England. But as this impressive biography demonstrates, that’s no media exercise. He has earned his position through his brilliant analyses, his perceptivity, his understanding and his unwavering determination to get to the truth–even when it means sacrificing his own previous theories. And as for my anti-Tudor prejudice–well, it’s still mostly in place. But how can you resist a historian who writes with the punch of Robert Ludlum and the fluidity of P.G. Wodehouse? You can’t. (And yes, I will be reading Starkey’s next promised biography of Henry VIII; I’ll be among the first.)

What do You think about Six Wives: The Queens Of Henry VIII (2004)?

The moment I opened this book and stared reading I instantly began to feel distain for Starkey. Throughout his introduction he refers to references and sources of materials that he had drawn upon when writing this book, claming that no one in the past when writing about Henry VIII and his wives has ever drawn upon these sources. This I find extremely hard to believe.He then moves onto Alison Weir’s book “The Six Wives of Henry VIII’ and insults her writing, relating it to a story of legend and overly sentimental and tragic. This absolutely disgusted me as I am a huge fan of Weir and her writing. I felt her book on Henry’s wives was not only informative but very well researched and carefully written. I now understand why I had been told that if I like Alison Weir I would not like David Starkey!All throughout the introduction I felt as though Starkey was trying to prove that his book on Henry VIII’s wives was better and more accurate than any other previously. Instead of finding this intriguing and making me want to read more, I found it came across as pompous and started to put me off. But I wanted to give Starkey credit, he is an incredible and talented researcher and I wanted to push on and to read and learn more.The first part of his book, quite obviously, was related to Catherine of Aragon. It was interesting to read a little of the history of Catherine of Aragon’s parents, Isabella of Castile and Ferdinand of Aragon. We learn a little about her brother and sisters and how she was educated and raised based on the beliefs and disciplines of her strong and determined mother. As well as getting to know about the lives of Catherine’s family we are shown how their decisions and actions affected England and great Europe.Starkey not only paints a detailed portrait about Catherine’s personal life, he widens the picture to examine the world around her. He starts with Catherine (of course) and then moves onto looking at her household and her ladies in waiting and all those whom served her. He then begins to look at the wider world – England, France, Spain, Rome and Europe at the time in which Catherine lived. Starkey talks about Catherine’s close family and her relatives and then moves onto the other players on the world stage. We learn a little about the King of France, Ambassadors from all major European countries and even about the Pope at the time. Starkey talks about the thoughts, opinions and how all of these players’ actions – or lack thereof – affects Catherine. This is very clever as all of this builds up a very detailed picture of the wider world that Catherine lived in. At the end of the day Catherine was not just an English Queen – she was a major figure in the greater world.Through Starkey’s research and writing I am able to see now why Catherine refused to go to a nunnery and fought so hard for her marriage. She was fighting not only for her personal religious convictions, but also for her daughter Mary’s future. Like Anne Boleyn who held her temper and curved her sharp tongue in her famous scaffold speech, Catherine was fighting so hard to save Mary’s right to the throne. Catherine had grown up with the belief that women could claim the thrown and rule effectively – her own mother was the perfect example of this – but of course England was different. If Catherine went to a nunnery she was paving the way for Henry to remarry and have more children (preferably a son), whom would take over Mary’s rightful claim to the throne. Ultimately, just like Anne Boleyn, Catherine was fighting for her daughter’s future.I have to say that this view gave me a new respect for Catherine of Aragon. As a mother myself I understand what it is like to want the best for your daughter and to fight for that. Although Anne Boleyn will also be my idol, I can understand why Catherine fought so hard for her marriage and her daughter’s future.The section on Anne Boleyn was by far the longest section within the book and yet seemed to focus the least on one of Henry’s wives. I was severely disappointed with the chapters supposedly about Anne Boleyn. Instead these chapters – over a quarter of the book - talked more about Henry VIII’s ‘Great Matter’ and the ministers, bishops and other influential men at court than he did about Anne Boleyn herself. If Starkey wanted to write a book about Henry’s ‘Great Matter’ I think it would be one of the best Tudor books written. He writes in such great detail about all the details both in England and in Europe surrounding Henry’s great desire to divorce Catherine of Aragon. There is such a wealth of information that Starkey takes up approximately a quarter of his book talking just about the ‘Great Matter’.Yet… was not this section supposed to be about Anne Boleyn? He does mention Anne, but only briefly, little dot points here and there and much of what he writes is mere suggestions of what Anne might have been thinking or feeling. It was extremely disappointing.After speaking in such depth about the ‘Great Matter’ Starkey then moves on to speak about Anne Boleyn’s marriage and coronation. After that he seems to skip through the next few years as though nothing important happened. He barely mentions Anne’s two miscarriages or her actions towards Henry or their daughter. There are a few references here and there but nothing in detail. Then suddenly we are thrust upon Anne Boleyn’s fall. There is little to no lead up to WHY she fell, or about her and Henry’s deteriorating relationship or her public slide from political and courtly life. All seems happy in Starkey’s book and then suddenly Henry does not love her anymore because Anne cannot give him sons and Cromwell has turned against her due to their differing political and religious views. Such little detail leaves the reader slightly confused as to what exactly happened around Anne (and through Anne’s own actions) to bring about such a dramatic fall.Overall I was sourly disappointed with Starkey’s writing about Anne Boleyn’s fall and execution. He dedicates only two chapters, a total of thirty pages, to talk about all the political, emotional and personal reasons surrounding the dramatic fall and finally the execution of Anne Boleyn. The whole section was extremely rushed and Starkey misses out on lots of interesting facts and information. For a man whom seemed in the introduction to take such pride in claiming that he had discovered so much new information about Henry’s wives – he certainly lacked any detail about Anne’s fall and execution. I was utterly disgusted to see so little information and felt as though only the very basic of an outline was penned for the events surrounding Anne Boleyn’s final few months. There was SO much happening at court, so many factors for months and months that all played a role, all were woven together to bring about Anne’s end. So much information that Alison Weir dedicated an entire book to Anne Boleyn’s fall – and yet Starkey seems more interested in writing about Henry’s ‘Great Matter’ than bothering to discuss all of these factors. He gives Anne’s fall only thirty pages and I find this very disheartening and saddening. Anne deserved more recognition and understanding than that.Once I had finished reading about Catherine of Aragon and Henry’s Great Matter the next four wives seemed to pass by within a few chapters. Henry went on to marry four more women over the next ten years of his life, but Starkey only dedicated approximately 180 pages to these for women, all of whom were extraordinary in their own right. I realise that it is quite difficult to convey all the detail and information about each woman in a single book – they are after all deserving of books in their own right. But I was very disappointed with the lack of information and attention Starkey did give to these women. Alison Weir and Antonia Fraser gave the reader more information about Henry’s last four wives in their books than Starkey did. He spent so little time talking about these women that I felt they were greatly glossed over and as a reader I was thoroughly disappointed. Before I knew it I had finished the book and was left wondering exactly who Henry’s last four wives were and what had happened to them!Overall I found Starkey’s Six Wives The Queens of Henry VIII a long and at times quite dull read. I wanted to read a book about the wives of Henry VIII, not a book about the men, councilors, ambassadors, friends, fellow Lords, Kings etc. in Henry’s life. I will give Starkey a small glimmer of credit as I did find a new respect for Catherine of Aragon and her desperate struggle to save her daughter Mary from being declared a bastard in the eyes of the law, but other than that there were too few highlights in such a long book. A good quarter of the book was dedicated to Henry’s Great Matter and all the men whom played a role in obtaining the King’s divorce from Catherine, rather than looking specifically at Anne Boleyn. And there was very little time or detail dedicated to Henry’s last four wives.I don’t feel as though this was a book about Henry VIII’s wives, I felt as though it was about the men Henry gathered around him at court and other influential men within his life. Starkey’s introduction where he discredits Alison Weir and Antonia Fraser was simply uncalled for and I felt this tone was carried throughout the book. Just because Starkey claims to have discovered new information about Henry’s wives does not mean he needs to continuously remind the reader of this – nor does he need to brag about it.I was very disappointed with this book. Starkey is a brilliant historian and an incredibly smart man – unfortunately that did not come across in his book. This is defiantly a great book for factual information, not such a good book to read from cover to cover.
—Sarah

I'm finding it difficult to assess this book because I found the forward to be so incredibly off-putting. Starkey comes across as arrogant and contemptuous of all biographers who have come before him, and this impression is reinforced by occasional subsequent comments by him in the rest of the book. Starkey inserts himself at points to congratulate himself on new interpretations of primary sources, and he also lumps together and denigrates all the "others" who held a different view. While he may be correct, the effect is obnoxious. His coverage of Catherine of Aargon and Anne Boleyn is incredibly detailed, but the other four wives are given a very superficial telling. While I appreciate Starkey's defense that Catherine and Anne had much bigger roles to play, there are key events in the lives of the other four wives that are entirely skipped here. Starkey likely will roll his eyes and dismiss me with a derogatory comment, but I much preferred Alison Weir's Six Wives.
—Cwelshhans

Well, I only got halfway through this complete snoozer. I guess I'll never know what happens to Anne Boleyn (hah!). I looked at other reviews of this book, and I wonder why I felt so differently. First off, there was way too much editorializing. I understand historians write to make a point, but the constant comparisons between Anne Boleyn and Princess Diana were aggravating. And the ego involved! Every single page the reader is treated to insights, facts and discoveries that only David Starkey has made or uncovered. I can understand presenting your own documentary can fluff you up a bit, but I could do without the diva-esque asides. I'll have to find another book about these six women.
—Liisa

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