Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy And Reclaiming Your Life (2002) - Plot & Excerpts
I wish I had read this book months or even years ago, rather than after I've finally made the decision to end a toxic relationship with my mother. Reading descriptions of other experiences of adult children who have experienced the type of things that I have might have strengthened me to the point of making healthier decisions sooner, but at least it provides validation and a sense that, despite the recent shunning of my entire family, I am not alone in my experiences. One new thing that I *did* take from the reading was a list of the ways that toxic parents cope:1. Denial - check.2. Projection - triple check, especially in the past several months.3. Sabotage - check.4. Triangling - quadruple check.Most importantly: 5. Keeping secrets - CHECK.There's the one that I am no longer willing to enable. I've ignored or coped with the other four for ages, but what finally sank in for me with the recent and final estrangement is that even in the past when I've not been on good terms with my family, I've still kept all of the secrets.I don't plan to do that anymore. I don't plan to rent billboards and wreck lives, but I'm tired of pretending that my life story is what my mother has always pressured me to project to the outside world. The reality is that I have experienced emotional, verbal, and physical abuse at a parent's hand. I have been lied to and betrayed in unimaginable ways by a parent, and I have recently decided to make the rest of my life a different type of story that includes a different meaning for the word "family."One of the exercises I really enjoyed was the idea of a memorial exercise, to say goodbye to fantasies that childhood could somehow be different for me:"I hereby lay to rest my fantasy of the good family. I hereby lay to rest my hopes and expectations about my parents. I hereby lay to rest my fantasy that there was something I could have done as a child to change them. I know that I will never have the kind of parents that I wanted, and I mourn that loss. But I accept it. May these fantasies rest in peace."This is a ritual that I've used in a slightly different way a long time ago, but a refresher with recent events was comforting.The books gives quite a few really wonderful examples of ways to confront and then heal from a difficult family history, but most of the techniques suggested are things that I have tried in earnest for a few years now, with the recent realization that things are never going to change. My involvement in my family has been a perpetuation of an unhealthy cycle that I had to stop before I had my own children and they became a part of it. I've chosen the final option at the very end of the book "letting go and moving on," but for those who haven't explored the other steps, that may not have to be the conclusion.Overall, this is a solid read. I'm glad it has been a part of my recently begun journey toward a fully and finally healed Life.
About three weeks ago, my beloved mother died.In my overwhelming grief and distress, I reached out to my father, whom I’ve been avoiding for several years now. In the span of a week, I ended up sending him money to move, which he used to buy alcohol. I called the police because he was threatening to kill himself, and he ended up in the psyche ward for a week. I drove over to his trash infested house to pick up his medication. *shudder* His place was just like the show Hoarders, crap and filth everywhere. I had nightmares about bringing home bedbugs. I couldn’t bring myself to go in there again. Now he’s not talking to me because I’m a terrible daughter. I’m actually quite relieved. I look at every interaction with my father with a mixture of pity, dread and guilt. Do I love him, yes, but I can’t be around him. His narcissism and guilt manipulation drive me up the frickin’ wall.Needless to say, this book was calling out to me. In fact, I whipped through it so fast I almost read it in a day. Was it what I was looking for? Hell yes! Not only did it alleviate some of my guilt and rage, but it also gave me some practical advice. I also realized I am not alone. There are crappy, toxic parents everywhere, and some of them are a hell of lot worse than my father. This book is easy to read, has some fascinating stories, and each toxic parental type is organized into nice easy categories. This was a great read. I’m knocking a star for two reasons though. One is I feel like the book is somewhat dated with old 1980s psyche talk. I don’t think you get rid of baggage just by venting and emotionally confronting it. I look at old hurts as being like flakes in a snow globe. Every once in a while you shake that stuff around and if feels great, but it never really leaves you. It just settles on the bottom, waiting to be stirred up again. I also don’t think that confirmation is the best solution for everybody. My dad’s empathy level is about as empty as a hollow cavern. If I told him how he hurt me, he’d just echo it back, making himself the victim in his mind. We’ve never had a real conversation ever, so I don’t see it happening now. And would it really take away the hurt of the little girl I was? I think I’d rather just bask in the silence of the phone not ringing. It’s so nice when he’s pissed at me. It's sad I know.
What do You think about Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy And Reclaiming Your Life (2002)?
wow! this book really did help me to recognize how certain things affect/affected me throughout my childhood, and to the present. and i really like the first rule "you do not have to forgive." if you truly have not recovered from a parents toxic ways, you do not have to forgive them, cuz forgiving the toxic parent w/o addressing how they harmed/ affect(ed) you is like just sweeping the issue under the rug.. so not healthy. i highly recommend this book to anyone who had or has to deal with toxic parents ( drunks, addicts, verbal abusers, neglecters, etc.). it was very helpful and eye opening!
—Michele
Thanks! I'd like to say it started when my parents split about three years ago, but she had started to become extremely unreasonable with all of us years before that. If I still lived with her, I don't think I'd be sane today.
—Huma Rashid
In my opinion, the single best book written on the subject of childhood abuse. I read this book originally fifteen+ years ago and it is still as powerful and as relevant today. The modern methodology for dealing with those who have been abused is much different than it was in days gone past, and Susan Forward makes a clear, concise and compelling point throughout about the strong feelings of guilt, of blame, and associated behaviours. How to deal with it, and how to reclaim your life. This is a compassionate book but it is powerful and direct, and because of that I feel it is best read in conjunction with actually seeing a therapist. It can create strong visceral and cognitive reactions to past events. I believe talking with a therapist (who understands/works with childhood abuse) at the same time you read Toxic Parents can be a very powerful tool. Actual patient histories and outcomes are also explored, which helps/allows the reader to relate more intimately with the book. The book is written in an easy to read style.Toxic Parents is pretty much in two parts - the events, the reason(s) as to why people are where they are. Their classifications. Then ways of coping, healing and dealing with past abuse. About to re-read it again.
—Kazza
