When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How To Cope - Using The Skills Of Systematic Assertive Therapy (1975) - Plot & Excerpts
I was loaned this by a coworker, who is in a position of authority over me and so graciously understands my inability to say no (we're kindred spirits like that), she thought I would greatly benefit from this book. And I did. This comes on the heels of my reading of Boundaries and is a great supplement to that, especially as it presents much more liberal and sometimes earthy examples and conversations. This was fun, though. It gave a bit of realism to the instruction. I didn't benefit so much from the examples of marital conversations, and I think that's just because there's such a cavalier and casual approach to the idea of divorce as a too-easy answer for problems and conflict. That's just not an option to me, and it makes me uncomfortable to see it presented as an easy out. Aside from that, though, the book as a whole gave me a new way of looking at how to be assertive. I think my approach to assertiveness has usually tended toward a different form of manipulating the situation to affirm me and keep my feelings from being hurt. Smith's approach that he teaches his students, however, is meant to put some distance between you and your feelings and your need for affirmation. You're able to protect your self-worth while letting the other side air their grievances, then as you respond, you can adamantly stick to a position without feeling like you've lost the world if they don't agree with you wholeheartedly. The ultimate goal of this communication is to stick to your guns throughout instead of caving in and kowtowing to an outcome that makes you feel like you prostituted yourself to make someone else happy. I felt very empowered by this and, I kind of dread to say it, look forward to using it on a couple of hotheads in my own life. I felt empowered, like I have the right to stand my ground even if that means I COULD be in the wrong.
I'll admit I was skeptical going into this book. After reading the preface and the "Bill of Assertive Rights" I thought that this book should have been subtitled - "How to be an obnoxious git and get away with it". After all, I grew up in the UK, we have a culture where you can't change your mind or tell people you don't care. Still, I saw the book mentioned more and more, so decided to give it a try. My initial assumptions were totally wrong. This is an amazing book, one of those that makes you wish you had read it earlier in life. Smith is a champion for the downtrodden, the pushovers and the easily manipulated and this book is his blueprint to reclaim personal power. The book is split into two halves. The first half covers the main techniques. There aren't many and they are all explained in detail. The techniques are brilliant and incredibly effective, allowing you to stick to your guns whilst not losing your head. They are also very simple to understand and implement, you don't need to memorise complicated language patters or Jedi Mind Tricks. The second half covers a large number of dialogues using the main techniques. These range from asking for a refund for defective merchandise to avoiding being manipulated into sexual encounters. The dialogues are really good and the use of the techniques are very well explained. Overall, this is an excellent book on both assertiveness, communication skills and personal responsibility. It has been around for nearly 40 years and I can see why it is still hailed as a masterpiece. The skills in here will impact every area of your life and give you the confidence to fight your corner and say NO.
What do You think about When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How To Cope - Using The Skills Of Systematic Assertive Therapy (1975)?
The best part was a sort of Bill of Rights that everyone has. People who are afraid to say, "no" sometimes forget they have the right to do so, to change their minds, to decide without offering an explanation or justification, etc. The remainder of the book emphasized 3-4 techniques in assertive communication. Among them was the broken record whereby a person simply repeats their desire without getting caught up in negotiation or explanation. The bulk of the text is sample dialogs which illustrate these several techniques. I found them interesting but not compelling. The only thing I got out of this book was the reassurance that many, many people in this world have the same tendencies I do and I find comfort in that. The book was highly recommended by a Reddit post and because life is a game of expectations, that's probably why I was mildly disappointed. Still, it wasn't a waste of time.
—Alvin
Guess what. Saying no is not summat I have a problem with!! I'm "testing driving" several of these for someone who desperately needs to get her head around the fact that it's actually okay to do what she wants to do!! For anyone in a similar position, this is excellent. The tools are broken down into bite size chunks and can be adapted to any situation.If you know someone who's life is really blighted by this kind of guilt, you may need to buy them the book. They feel guilty for feeling guilty, and they know no better, bless em!
—Sally McRogerson
I'm only about halfway through this book, but it's already evoking some pretty strong feelings. It's a good book, and important for someone like me who has a real problem with being easily manipulated, but some of the communication techniques outlined in here -- fogging (parrotting criticism back at the critic), broken record ("asserting" the same request over and over to the point of sounding autistic), etc. -- are better suited for therapeutic role-playing sessions than everyday life. Dr. Smith does give some good, practical advice about recognizing manipulation as it's happening, and also about assertive body language, verbiage, and eye contact. But it's frustrating to have to weed through the unrealistic dialogues to find the helpful gems of truth.
—Erin Bodishbaugh
