Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High (2002) - Plot & Excerpts
From the Forward message at the beginning "To KNOW and not to DO is really to not to know".Crucial Conversation: A discussion between 2 or more people where (1) stakes are high (2) opinions vary (3) emotions run strong.CH 1) tells you why your body reacts the way it does when faced with a heated moment. Someone says something you disagree with, this happens: two tiny organs atop your kidneys pump adrenaline into your bloodstream. Your brain then diverts blood from activities it deems nonessential to high-priority tasks. As the large muscles of the arms and legs get more blood, the higher-level reasoning sections of your brain gets less.When your spouse has to work late a lot and you try to figure out how to spend time with them but they can't break free, initial reaction is to get snippy. "Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn't want in the first place." You get caught in an unhealthy self-defeating loop.Research has shown that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power - the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics. Silence Kills. Ex, when nurses notice something a Dr does that is wrong and say nothing. When people don't speak up or speak out, it can kill.The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the processCH 2: "the mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend""Dialogue" - The free flow of meaning between two or more people.*Skilled people find a way to get all relevant info out into the open. CH 3) work on me first: the first steps to achieving the results we really want is to fix the problem of believing that others are the source of all that ails us. * "the best Way to work on US is to work on ME first."* FIRST: ask yourself "what do I really want" do not attack back* Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.* refocus your brain - Find your bearings - Take charge of your body* Second: Refuse the fools choice. -watch to see if you're telling YOURSELF u must choose between winning and losing. ASK YOURSELF, WHAT DO I WANT FOR MYSELF, THIS PERSON , AND THE RELATIONSHIP?* Would I behave this way if I really wanted it?CH 4) Learn To Look. *Watch the content of the convo (topic under discussion) along with the conditions (how people are reacting. *Watch for 2 conditions: the moment a convo turns crucial, signs people don't feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress. It takes both knowledge and practice to know what to look for then actually see it. * Silence: purposely withhold info. almost always done to avoid problems, but restricts flow of meaning.3 most common forms of Silence: Masking-sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are most popular forms. Avoiding- steering away from the subject. Withdrawing-pulling yourself out of the conversation.Violence: strategy that attempts to convince, control or compel other to your point of view. 3 most commons forms of violence: Controlling- coerce other to your way of thinking Labeling- putting a label on ppl or idea to dismiss them under a category Attacking- moved from trying to win the argument by making them suffer. BECOME A VIGILANT SELF-MONITOR.Watch to see if you are having a good or bad impact on safety. CH 5 Make it Safe Step Out, Make It Safe, Then Step Back In*If you really want to have a healthy conversation, that make or break your relationship, then for a moment or two you may have to set aside confronting the current issue. **THE WORST at dialogue, say what is on their mind with no regard how it is rec'd. **THE BEST, talk about the problem, no sugar coating. BUT they step out, take a moment to make it safe, then step back in. - when other move to silence or violence, step out, make it safe, and when safety is restored, go back. Which Condition of Safety Is At Risk? MUTUAL Purpose -Do others believe you care about their goals? Mutual Respect -Do others believe you respect themAPOLOGIZE when appropriate - when you've clearly violated respect - apologize When an apology is sincere, the motive should change. THE BEST at Dialogue, use 4 skills to create Mutual Purpose. (acronym - CRIB)*Commit to seek mutual purpose*Recognize the purpose behind the strategy*Invent a mutual purpose*Brainstorm new strategiesCH 6 - Master My Stories - how to stay on topic when angry, scared, hurt*learn how to take charge of your emotions*The best at dialogue, act on their emotions (by thinking them out)*Nothing in this world is good or bad,thinking makes it so. Shakespeare*The best at dialogue, find a way to slow down then take charge of their Path to Action. -retrace your PATH:Act-Notice your behavior-ask" am I in some form of silence or violence?"Feel-Get in touch with your feelings "what emotions are making me act this way?"Tell Story-Analyze your stories "what is creating these emotions?"See/Hear-Get back to facts "what evidence do I have that supports this story?"- Question your feeling and stories- Don't confuse stories with facts- Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior.
Like most self-help and business books, this book presented ideas in a straightforward approach and with simple examples and explanations to the extent that most of the concepts presented felt very "common sense" and leaving the reader with thoughts like "well, yeah, why didn't I think of that?" The book discusses the topic of Crucial Conversations which are conversations in which there are 3 Elements: (1) High Stakes, (2) Varied Opinions and (3) Strong Emotions. In these situations, the authors posit that people generally trend towards one of two veins of communication: Violence or Silence.The first few chapters do a good job at explaining their definition of what makes a conversation "Crucial" by presenting some key identifiers and using some "real world" examples. For example, what color shirt to wear or what to have for dinner may not be a crucial conversation…unless you're having that conversation on your anniversary with your spouse and even then, depending on your relationship with your spouse, that may not be a "crucial' conversation. Other examples include providing negative (or "constructive") feedback to a co-worker or (even more crucial) a boss, discussing sensitive lifestyle choices of a sibling/child/friend, etc. As the book continues, the authors make a point of teaching readers to look at themselves as much as they look at others…or even more, since the only person we can directly change/influence is ourself.So once the book explains WHAT a crucial conversation is and how to recognize it, the authors proceed to give methods for identifying our personal way of dealing with the stress of crucial conversations (do we move to Violence or Silence…do we lash out at others with hurtful accusatory language, or do we pull back and refuse to add anything helpful to the conversation?). They also help provide insight into recognizing the dialogue styles of others. Once the dialogue styles are identified, then the task is to bring the Crucial Conversation to a healthy middle ground where thoughts and ideas can and will be presented without driving any of the participants to Violence or Silence and as a result, the participants can move towards a healthy resolution. The authors also provide examples of how to identify that successful outcome (because we may feel like the conversation ended well, when in reality the other person is now off sulking silently).Overall, I felt like the book was an insightful and intriguing read. As I mentioned at the onset, many (or at least the better ones) business/self-help books are presented in such a way that it's easy to accept the concepts as logical and true. I felt like this book did a good job doing just that. The concepts and ideas presented may not be easy to adhere to (especially in the heat of an emotionally stressful discussion), but they are good ideas and I do believe that if a person could, at the very least, keep them in mind, that person would likely have more successful interpersonal interactions. The authors make some pretty audacious claims about things that will come if we master Crucial Conversations (ranging from being more successful at work or having a happier home life or a healthier body) and once again, they back their claims up in logical ways. I would be skeptical of their claims to the extent that they are based on becoming a "Master" of Crucial Conversations and so the caveat is that the definition of "Master" may not be possible to fully achieve. Still, I do believe that any progress along the trajectory will be beneficial and will help you make strides towards reaching the outcomes they claim.I felt like this was a worthwhile read. It moves pretty quickly and has some humorous anecdotes to keep the reading fresh and accessible. If you're interested in communications, have your own "crucial conversation" coming up, or are just looking for some general advice that may help you relate better to others around you, go ahead and pick this book up. It had good advice and ideas that would help in both personal and professional venues.***3 out of 5 stars
What do You think about Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High (2002)?
I skipped the annoying self-satisfied introductions and forwards and it was still difficult to read the first few chapters. Once the material got more specific instead of just promising I would be awesome, it was good. However, it took almost half the book for it to get good. I still would have liked their examples to have been more specific. We are social creatures and we learn through social modeling, i.e., watching others do things. I also found it annoying that they made up terms like "fool's choice" instead of using already-existing terms like "false dichotomy" (maybe they wanted to make it more approachable?). Other made-up terms were kind of annoying, but I recognize they were trying to make the ideas stick in my head. The concepts in this book for opening up sincere dialogue are excellent. When someone else gets defensive, it's a sign that they don't feel safe in the conversation. I can help them feel safer by clarifying our common goals (if we have one) and accepting their opinion respectfully. Next time I get into a tense discussion I hope I can use some of these techniques. However, I tend to be the obliviously offending party so it's more likely that someone else will use these techniques on me.
—Rachel
Dear Goodreads:A 'crucial conversation' is one that1) opinions vary2) stakes are high3) parties involved have strong emotions.Sound familiar? What we have at Goodreads is a Crucial Conversation.Ways you don't succeed in a crucial conversation:1) Allowing your emotion to dictate your dialogue. Specifically, an emotional need to "win" or be "right."2) Believe the answer is the "fool's choice" of a yes/no, right/left solution. Ringing any bells? I can't state what the emotions of GR staff are right now, but they can't be positive ones. And we've all witnessed how official 'my way or the highway' belief in a new, unbroadcast Terms of Service is resulting in a notable downtick in GR activity.The authors of Crucial Conversations did a lot of studies discovering that people who are skilled at dialoguing during crucial conversations:1) start with the heart, otherwise known as the self, by knowing what they want2) they avoid the 'fool's choice' of the either/or solution and look for the 'and'3) they are smart enough to clarify and know what they don't want4) they ask their brain to try and solve the harder problem--which means the 'and' one, not the gut response one5) they note what their behavior says, so that their body language/actions are in congruence with their words, thus lending believability to their wordsMy Dear, dear Goodreads Customer Service, try this. I suggest you take these principles to heart. Know what you want. Do you want to 'win?' Do you want certain people to leave the site? Do you want a book-selling synergistic Kindle machine? Do you want to keep the hard-working librarians and reviewers who built this site material active and involved? Once you've asked these questions, you then need to ask if your body language and interactions are reflecting these goals.The authors state to set up a crucial conversation, the parties involved need to make it safe. What do you do when the conversation isn't going well and a party is acting defensively? You make it safe by:1) Step out of the conversation2) Determine what condition of safety is at risk? A mutual purpose or mutual respect?3) Apologize if it is appropriate4) Using contrasting skills to help fix misunderstandings, such as "I didn't intend to mean ___," then explain what you did intend/meant.5) Create a mutual purposeThis is how you can fix the exodus of mass numbers of librarians, reviewers, and most importantly, readers who are leaving your site.The crucial part of this list is, of course, the conversation.Note: I will add a genuine analytical review at another site when I finish. It really is an excellent book that I recommend to everyone. There's a few ethical and social limitations to it, but it does help have a high-stakes conversation and succeed.
—Carol.
Very technical book that needs to be read one chapter at a time and then the principles applied therein. I need to read it over and over again to really grasp and apply all the principles, but it is a VERY good book to help you recognize when crucial conversations (heated and emotion-driven conversations) start and how to best navigate through them without causing problems.I would recommend this book to anyone in a leadership position, whether that be a spouse, CEO, parent or simply anyone who has never known what to do in tough conversations.
—Dustin Taylor
