I wish people liked me more.Sometimes I steal gum at the grocery store.Sometimes at Starbucks I take someone else’s order, even though I’ve paid for my own.Sometimes in the middle of the day I go to the bathroom and undress completely and just stare at myself in the mirror. I always look different from the way I think I should. I am always 10 percent too tall, 10 percent too large, 10 percent not as good-looking as I want to be.When I was fifteen and it was winter and I had sleeves to cover the evidence, I hit my thighs and my upper arms until there were bruises. I did this every day for two months straight. I was too wimpy to try cutting. Hitting was easier and cleaner. There isn’t a person in the world I’ve ever told about this.Sometimes, after the adoption business and after Peter had fallen asleep, I’d masturbate in bed next to him. I did it quietly. Sometimes I wanted him to catch me. He never did.In the middle of the night, sometimes I wake up and I can’t breathe just thinking of all the things Peter and I have accumulated.
