Person. Ever. 14 The limo was waiting for us out front. Tabs stood beside it, chewing gum and smiling as a trade wind blew up her schoolgirl-style skirt to reveal the cleanest, whitest, softest panties in the western hemisphere. “Ray! I was so worried about you!” She gave me a smashing hug and we clambered into the car. “You know me, Tabs. Living life to the max. I—” Fiona cut me off. “Raymond, you could no more live life ‘to the max’ than you could doggy-paddle to the fucking moon. Your voyage through time is like the journey of a small piece of cat shit passing through a human colon, where it squeaks and slithers until one day it drops into a toilet called the grave.” I gave Tabs a brave smile. “Poor, poor Fiona, always wearing the mask of wit to cover her withered interior world.” My thinking on Tabs was that, although I was in love with Sarah, nailing Tabs would be a commitment-free treat, like finding a ten-quid note on the sidewalk. The limo careened forward, and we headed off to the airport.
