"COME HERE, MATE ... "You and your stupid fucking airport novels. Fucking lame titles. Can't even write a book without collaborating with someone else. "James Patterson featuring some douchebag you've even never heard of before". Mate, I could find more passion in a fucking Big Mac!!!And the apologists are like, "Well, James Patterson's just a bit of harmless fluff. Like, you know, it's really good beach reading". What is this Beach Reading bullshit? Someone make a rule, did they? That if you choose to take to the beach and read whilst tanning your skin, you are only allowed to read shit? Since when did the beach become so uninspiring? I wouldn't be caught dead reading James Patterson. Especially if I was at the beach, surrounded by a majestic view of ...... golden sands and endless blue sea.Even if I fucked over some Russian gangsters - and they injected me with adrenaline before burying me alive - but at least had the decency to stop at the gas station and buy me the new Alex Cross novel - I would still be like, "No, I am not reading this. Don't you have some Dostoevsky or something?" The sheer sight of this Smiling Potato hits a raw nerve with me. And it's not like I'm a hipster or anything. I like loads of things that are apparently "uncool" to like.... The fact that I even have to include that middle one, really makes me hate the world ...But let's get to this book itself. I actually read it months ago, but the review I wrote was so poorly written, because I was seething with anger for having been prevented the privilege of ripping the book to fucking shreds. Back when I'd read 50 Shades Of Grey, I had stupidly agreed to give it to someone afterwards; and when I read this, I felt morally obligated to return it to the library. Similar to 50 Shades, I had gone into this crap not knowing how poorly regarded it was. I had not read anything by this Patterson before, and was still relatively naïve enough to think that anyone as popular as him must surely be good. Want to know a secret? I actually had an inclination to like this asshole, because he shared the name of the main character from one of my nostalgic treasures, Medal Of Honour: Frontline. The psychology by which my brain functions has never led me wrong before. Just ask all my friends. And if you didn't sense the sarcasm just then - let me assure you that this time around, my "psychology" reeeally fucked me over. When I got to Page 7 ... and discovered that I was already on like the seventeenth chapter ... this became alarmingly clear to me. So ... what are we waiting for? Let's jump right into the story that proved to me - once and for all - that today's publishing industry is no the fuck better than that of Music and Film. For years, I have tried to put it behind me. 'Cept it always comes back in my dreams. My darling wife is at her wit's end. She can't cope with the tears and the random outbursts anymore. My own goddamned son won't speak to me. Seems he told my grandkids that I was killed in a bus accident; apparently I'm too "unstable" to be around his children now. I have but one option left. I must confront this trauma; grab it by the scruff of the neck, and throttle it for every fucking annoyance it put me through. So one fine day, I walked into Marsden Library. After maybe five minutes of debating, between Mr. Rudyard Kipling's 'The Jungle Books' and one of the many graphic novels, Satan gently took my arm and led me into the thriller section. And there they were. All those authors that I say I'd like to read, but never actually feel like it, when it comes to choosing my next book. Those that everyone seems to have heard of even if they've never actually read them before. There was David Baldacci (maybe one day) ... Clive Cussler (not right now) ..... Lee Child (I think one's enough) ..... Tom Clancy (but look at the size of it!!!) ... Dan Brown (but the librarian will laugh at me) ... and then that most famous household name.And I'm not taking about this handsome bastard. God knows I wish I was. I don't really know why I chose this book out of the bunch. Had I bothered to research him first ... I might have at least chosen one of the Alex Cross books. Various people, that I respect, have said that those ones are pretty good. But alas, I chose the more obscure title. And boy, was I fucking sorry. I guess I should have paid more attention to the title.Instead of taking heed by Patterson's chilling words, I let myself be persuaded by the deceptive critic's quote on the back-flap: ------------ "His most haunting book to date" ------------I swear to God, if I ever get my hands on whoever wrote that ... I mean, "haunting" in comparison to what? Harry Potter? The mere act of suggesting that this book is frightening, is more of a lie than someone recently coming back from a hang-gliding trip in The Philippines, and saying that he had a good time. Before I get into what really hurt this book - I just want to take a moment to explain how laughable its attempts to be scary were. I recall there being ... brace yourselves ... two attempts made by this book to give me the willies. The fucking yimmetty-jibbetts. I don't think that's even a word ... but if the bestselling author in the world is going around telling everyone that "Fear Is Just The Beginning", then I can be an asshole as well. "Why, there's Howard Roughan right now!! Hey, four-eyes!! Yeah, you!! Come over here for a second". (Violently scuffles in the middle of parking-lot). "Don't you run away from me!!! Why I oughtta .... I'm gonna roughan you up good!!"The first ""scary part"" is when Kristen - (who is the (If you wink one more fucking time!!) protagonist in this train wreck) - gets a late-night phone-call. Only when she answers it ... she, like OMG hears herself crying hysterically on the other end. Jesus Christ that's creepy!! And I'm not being sarcastic there. This part should have been scary. Only whatever disconcertment the reader was meant to feel is all but stamped to death by Count Patterson's uninspired delivery of it. Had he been a postman - he would just go moping down along every street, pegging handfuls of random letters over every second fence, not giving two shits. I am not exaggerating here. All Kristen does is literally hang up, and then go to bed. Does she question what just happened? Does she break down in the corner, and phone her parents, and blubber about how she's losing her mind? "Nah, man, she just goes to bed. That's scary, isn't it?"Well - ahem - not really, James. I mean, how can you expect the audience to be afraid, when the people actually experiencing it, don't seem deterred in the slightest? " ... James?""Look - I'm sorry to interrupt you and your family. But for once, I actually have what I think is a valid point"."Mate, will you stop fucking around? You are the most popular author in the world!! Show some enthusiasm!!""Yeah, my grandkids are turning in some pages as we - ""I don't want to read what your grandkids have written!! Do you not have something you can work on by yourself? Just for once, why not consider spending the year just on one excellent book?" "One whole year !! But with Peter, and Howard, and the others down in the factory, we can get twenty published in that time!!""That's not the point, though, James. You being the number one most popular author in the entire world - I'd have thought you'd understand that. There's more to a great book than just its mass-production. When an author takes the time to write something - when an artist of any kind makes something for others to enjoy - they are expressing themselves through the best (and sometimes only) means they know. To any real artist, a book, or a song, or a painting, is in some ways their owns souls reaching out. Are you seeing what I'm trying to say? Or have I lost you already?"Oh, forget it, then.The other, and final, scary part involved Kristen finding that her dressing closet has become infested with RATS!!!!!That's all, though. He doesn't bother describing them; he doesn't do anything that any self-respecting horror writer would. This is the Master of the Genre, and anyone who reads horror is no less squeamish than that girl who screams at the spider in the corner of the ceiling. Thus Mr Patterson doesn't need to bother catering to our imaginations with grotesque imagery or vivid language. Nah, the mere mention of those dirty rats is enough to make my blood freeze. Certainly, Kristen herself seemed to think so. And while we're on the subject of Kristen ...There are certain women out there that make me thankful for all the aspiring Patrick Batemans our iniquitous culture is breeding. And I would not have hated this book half as much, be it not for having to put up with the most irritating, shallow, and hateable protagonist I think has ever been conceived. She works as a maid for a rich married woman, Penley Turnbull, (who is also the villain; and darned if that could have been made any more obvious). Kristen spends the majority of this story bitching about how her employer treats her like an employee (fucking telling her what to do, and chucking fits when she turns up hours late) - and having sex with her employer's husband. She also stalks her lover, as he takes his family into the countryside. And while her life is falling apart due to supernatural forces, she chooses instead to focus on an ongoing campaign to detach the kids, emotionally, from their mother - and also to get the husband to ditch her. And after all this Kristen has the tenacity to believe that Penley's at fault, when she catches her having an affair. (The fact that I'm even discussing such petty bullshit upsets me). We are supposed to hate Penley for cheating on her husband - when he's doing the exact same fucking thing!!!!So yeah - I won't lie - just about every page of this book made me wish I could jump inside and give Kristen something permanent to complain about. And it did not help that the book was written in first-person - from her point of view. If Patterson intended on capturing the way an Annoying Cunt thinks - then he did a great job. But that doesn't remove the crease in my forehead. This book read more like a text-message between two girls, after they have had a few drinks - with as much emotional depth, and relatability, to boot. I could write an entire essay on what a crappy character Kristen was. But the word-limit for this review is nearing, and there's so much more I want to say.Equally as teeth-grinding, was the "forbidden" romance between her, and Michael Turnbull. They fuck each other pretty regularly in this book. In fact, pretty much the only thing they do together is pant and moan and dote over how much they love each other. But based on what? Patterson never allows any connection to be felt between these two people ( ... short of Kristen needing a dick inside her, whenever she gets upset - and Michael being only too happy to oblige). There's this one part when Kristen finally goes to confide with him - tell him about all the insane things that are happening to her, and so she finds and interrupts him during an important business dinner ... only to spread her legs apart in the backseat of his car - and have Michael explode into her after like two minutes, and then call it a night. '"Was there something you wanted to tell me, sweetheart?""Not anymore, Big Boy". She winked at him voluptuously.' There are about two things we learn about Michael, throughout the duration of the story. A) He has a large penis. B) He's a fucking douchebag.And Lord knows we need more of them.Oh, that reminds me!! There was this other part, as well!! One morning, while Kristen is stuck doing Penley's laundry (like, puh-lease, this is sooo condescending) Michael sneaks up on her and starts fucking her from behind. They can still hear the clinks of Penley's spoon, as she eats her cereal in the kitchen. And then the kids - (just the cutest clichés ever!!) - start calling for her. And after Michael's done with her, he slips back into the kitchen, with a naughty grin on his face, and Kristen cries "I'm coming!!!I wonder if most people that read this, chuckled at that overused pun. Surely, many would agree that it's been done way too many times before; to the point that it isn't fucking funny anymore. And please don't tell me it's supposed to be sexy. The reader needs to feel at least some sort of connection with the characters - otherwise, them constantly having sex is no less of a put-off, than when some random couple starts making out in the seat opposite you on the train ... and you're trying to read but the sound of their tongues keeps distracting you.Or maybe that's just me. Well, look, I really have got to finish this review up soon. There's really a lot more that I could - and planned - to go into. But there just isn't enough space left on the letter-count. All I can really say is that this book not only disappointed me,but infuriated me with its almost remarkable ability to fuck up every single thing it tried to do. In most of my reviews ... especially my more recent ones .... I often resort to nit-picking because I'm not smart enough to notice the deeper issues; and if I do I'm just not clever enough to point them out as accurately as most reviewers on this website can. But, thanks to this book, I have finally found something that - in my opinion - demonstrates nearly every way in which a book can suck. But seeing the bar dropped this low is not really something to be thankful for. Seeing as I have to finish off now, I'm just gonna straight-out list the smaller things that I remember finding very annoying. I just can't rest until I've pointed them out. * Her psychiatrist smokes a pipe. And are we really to believe that a professional such as him would put the strops on in front of a patient just because they stopped coming?* Adding to the list of times when Patterson throws something totally random and stupid at us, what was with that part when the blonde guy approaches her in the nightclub, says she's been warned, and then just fucks off?* Penley's stout and pompous turpitude is so overtly portrayed, that she comes off seeming more like Michael's mother, than his wife.* Why does Kristen keep running away from that detective? Stop being a fucking idiot and take action against what's happening. *The happy ending was stupid and predictable. This book might have found at least some redemption in at lest killing Kristen off. But no ... that's too dark, isn't it, James? FOR THE END OF THE REVIEW, CLICK HERE:https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
Kristin Burns is a pretty young babysitter who takes her role of care taker bit too far when she falls in love with her boss. She desperately wants to replace her only competition - his wife... Kristin of course hopes for a peaceful split, after all Michael and the kids adore her and the stiff and boring Penley is a person who couldn't seem to care any less about the family. She'd rather work out and shop, go to charity events and parties than play a doting housewife, so in the babysitters mind the whole affair is a natural progression and not an act of betrayal. Michael takes risks in calling her and buying her expensive presents, the kids adore her and Penley seems all but clueless, that's her daily grind until she stumbles on a tragedy in front of a famous hotel on her way to work one day. The body bags, the imagines, they are burned into her mind; her camera is the only thing she can focus on so she takes some pictures. Later her film is developed but something seems off about it, she notices strange transparencies on some of the pictures and when she sees her dead father on the street she is worried that her mind is going crazy. Is there a plot to drive her mad? Has the wife discovered their little dirty secret and hired people to scare her, is something sinister going on?Kristin's life is slowly turning upside down, she wakes screaming after her nightmares turn her blood cold and people are starting to act strange towards her. Peace and sunshine is overshadowed by a creepy detective stalking her and people that she has known to be deceased seem to come back into her life...something is out of whack and things are only getting worse. She must figure out the truth before her sanity leaves her. If her life wasn't hard enough she's starting to wonder whether Michael is ready to leave his rich wife, after all her father has helped him with his work.I can see why the reviews for this are so mixed, it's both good and bad, like a car crash you can't stop looking but you know it's tragic at the same time. The intensity of the story gave me a bit of a headache ( maybe because I read it in one sitting). It was crazy and weird at times yet I couldn't stop reading it, I was glued to it and desperately wanted to know the resolution of the mess that a young babysitter has gotten herself into. I can't imagine anyone behaving they way she did, but I guess it made the book juicier, after all its better to read this and be happy that one's life is nothing like it. Throughout the tale I wasn't sure if something supernatural was going on which was fun until it got a bit old, but the ending was pretty neat, I felt that it pulled the book up a bit. I did enjoy the fact that the action was taking place in New York; it's always sweet to read a story and recognize the streets and places.This is a perfect library rental; one can read it in a few hours with the short chapters and speedy story line and not fuss about spending lots of money on it, it's the best recommendation I can personally give because I did enjoy the story and I'm glad got to read it despite some of its problems.
What do You think about You've Been Warned (2007)?
Wow, after reading the reviews on this book I'm shocked!I really enjoyed this book and read it in a few hours, I couldn't put it down! Everyone else thinks differently tho. I think alot of people were disapointed with the ending. I loved it. It makes you think and lets you solve some of the things yourself. I'm torn on reading reviews because there are so many people that just tell you what the story is and how it is going to end. The last book I read I had a hard time getting through because I knew the ending. Anyways I like James Patterson but its been awhile since I read any of his books. I Really loved this one though.
—Melissa
Wow. Talk about a disappointing book.This is written from a first person standpoint and some of the things the main character says (or thinks) are ridiculous. The main character is a 26-year old woman. I'm only 18 and even I was like "... what?" at how much James Patterson relies on overused stereotypes and flat out awkward phrases he thinks are appropriate for her age bracket. On the flip side, the other half of the book (in which she doesn't sound like a vapid airhead), she seems like a retiree. Also, we're never really given a description of the main character other than that she's apparently SUPER ATTRACTIVE, REALLY SMART, and TALENTED. These qualities are never really shown. In my opinion, this is the worst thing about James Patterson. If you have to EXPLAIN something like that to your readers you're doing something wrong. They should be getting all of this from your writing.But that's being nitpick-y. What I REALLY didn't like about this is that it spent so much time trying to be mysterious. Every couple of pages (which, by the way, a "chapter" was on average two and a half pages long) the author mentions some mysterious event that happened at the hotel when the main character first came to New York. Then, when we finally find out what it was, it's pretty lame.The author's note at the end of the book was just ... pathetic.I read it in a day and I wouldn't recommend wasting the time.
—Brandy
A Real let down for me...Sorry to Say.This book was a real let down for me. It was not what I expected. I had hoped for a thrilling mystery in You've Been Warned, but all I got was a big disappointment. I have been a regular fan of James Patterson and have enjoyed many of his previous books. However, this story fell apart about mid way through and it was a struggle for me to finish it. Overall, I'd have a hard time recommending this novel to my friends. I wish I didn't have to say that about thi
—Tom
