In another way, I was playing it completely by ear. I’d tried implementing new routines in Arizona. This thing, that thing, then the other. The shame of going back to her with my tail between my legs was too much to bear. If I did that, I’d have to tell her everything. I’d have to have the guts to change my life around. Every grounder I missed, every time I was caught looking, the walls closed in. I flew back a month into spring training for an exhibition game. The game didn’t matter. I was a complete cockup. I was letting everyone down. I couldn’t even pass a ball to Youder for the double play. He was ten feet from me. If I fucked up the season before his free agency, he was going to be offered a bag of shit. That was on me. I didn’t want him to go, but I didn’t want to fuck him over either. I had to do this better. I had to get control. I dug out the stairs on the slope.
